The After Life

My heart is broken.. and it aches. However this time it's not what it usually is aching about it's about a boy. I think it's fair to call him a boy since that is the way he acts. I know he'll never read this that's probably why it's safe just put it here.. I'm so hurt and I'm so angry because he shut me out when I was ready to tell him that I love him. And blindsided and disrespect me I just won't put up with that. I'm a good partner and we had so many good times together. We also shared a lot of hard times and he seen me had some really bad times. But he also caused some of those really bad times... This time I hope that's it's the last time that I will let him break my heart. But I also hope to not have to take this regret, of never getting to tell him. It's too bad he doesn't want to talk to me or listen to me because of her and I have to learn how to be okay with that. However I needed the rejection needed him to reject me and

So today I went to my first new counselor appointment. It went well...they always tell me I have things so together, yet I feel as though I am falling apart. There are so many days the person inside me is screaming for help but, of course no one call hear me screaming. They just look at me blankly as they pass by. I told my counselor Deanna about my idea to get a camera. I think I will get one this weekend. It's time to stop letting my dreams die but instead embrace them. Maybe I can create some beautiful memories that will help me heal.

Here am I. I don't know if I have any readers but, that's okay... Tonight, I realized something I enjoy. When my son Seamus was in the hospital dying, our social worker gave us they name of this organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. This organization does free photo session with you, your family and your dying child or in my case baby. The photographers come too the hospital, which is amazing. They are able to capture the memories of you loved one. I will always cherish the gift that wonderful gentleman captured. I think I want to do this also. I want to honor my son by helping these parents capture this small moment. I have always loved pictures..I just ever really show them. I guess I'm embarrassed, maybe even self-conscious. Instead of continuing to dream, I think I am going to start doing. Stay tuned...

I currently feel very depressed without reason.. Yes it is that time of year again..but really I am not ready to feel like this. Tired and sad is all I feel even when I have so much to be happy about. Yet...I can barely get out of bed. Everyday I sleep as much as the day will let me and then I paint my smile on and go to work. No one understands that inside I feel as though I am dying.... The pain is so much to bare, I feel as though a constant suffering is always upon me. Holding me down during the day. I have an appointment with a new counselor on Thursday, I hope that she can help me figure this out. It's becoming too much. I need out from under this before it crushes me. I really don't know how I pull myself up everyday. I realize something is wrong with me...I'm just not sure what that is... I try so hard to be happy but it's just not there.

I'm not sure where I'm at in life currently. I know at work I'm back to where I began... running the store alone. But that isn't the only place I feel alone. I have many friends and people around me all the time, something is still missing though. Not sure how I can learn I'm okay alone without driving myself insane. Of course there is always a guy that makes me question things. The more time I spend with him...the more I fall for him. It's hard for me not to obsess and make myself crazy. I reach the point where I'm afraid that I'll say or do something to screw it up. I'm struggling with myself. Confused...sad... infatuated...hurt...