The After Life

This is day 3 of silence...and it is horrible. I feel so sad and horrendous. I miss him so much. But I can't tell him any of these things and to realize last night that this is my own fault makes it worse. It's like do I enjoy this pain and suffering?! Is that why I continue to make the wrong choices?! I must but I have constantly found myself in pain lately. Realizing that you caused your own pain this time really is shitty though. When he asked me to be with him, I truly didn't feel ready but 2 weeks later when I asked him I did...now I have nothing. Another life lesson to learn....but how many of these life lessons am I going to have to learn?! I really do miss him...his smell is one that I absolutely loved and now it's gone along with him. Fuck! Life is annoying. 

Well....I am currently losing at life. At this moment I am the saddest I have been in a long time. I miss him so much and it's only been a couple of hours. But at the same time I want to cut his throat...it's hurts, so bad. I will now change direction... I will become absolutely epic and will find a better me. This is why I'm so closed down because my heart always gets broken by some kind of loss. Goodbye...I promise you will regret it....I promise

Coming back to Idyllwild has been kinda painful...I'm a way that makes me glad I live far away. I have a good life where I live now. I have friends that love me for the first time in a long time. I love my family and miss them but I won't come back here. Idyllwild is toxic...poisonous to me witch is why I'm going to leave it in my rear view mirror soon. I love Oregon. I'm a phoenix rising from the ashes of my old life.... This is the new me...new life...just Sara This place feel so familiar but it's not home anymore...Oregon is my home 💚

Tomorrow is Seamus' 5th birthday. Wow this is painful. So as you hug your child and kiss them on the forehead, while you tell them happy birthday be grateful for not every parent gets that luxury. Happy birthday my baby boy! Forever loved and always remembered.

Well it's almost here again....the dreaded Mother's Day. As husbands and children prepared to celebrate their mothers, I prepare for a day of misery. Celebrating just makes me feel sad and depressed about everything I'm missing. So I might as well embrace the misery and welcome it rather than fighting it off. Some will remember that I am still a mother and others will forget which I should be used to by now but I'm not. So to everyone that remembers thank you and to everyone who forgets fuck you!

It's hard not to confuse the two!

This is so powerful...