Write

I have been trying to get on here to write but I haven't found the time until tonight. I wanted my husband to hold me but he is sleep and I feel bad waking him up. I can't sleep. I have a hard time sleeping anymore. I'm just hoping to hear a Seamus crying for me in the next room but I know I'll never hear it. I'll never wake up hearing him cry. It feels so horrible knowing that. I hate living this way, without him. I sit here tonight in the dark alone crying. Everyday just sucks no matter how good you try to make it. I wish that I had someone that understood what I am going through and could tell me,'things are going to be okay and your going to have 4 more perfect babies and don't worry you'll pregnant soon and happy again.' Right now it feels like I'll never be happy and to get pregnant again feels impossible.I thought that I might be pregnant but then today I was sure I was not. I feel like I'm being punished.From what I don't have a clue. I just want to be happy again. I want to wake up in the morning know that my day will be great. I want another baby now! But all that seem impossible. About as impossible as bring Seamus back.  My life feels ruined. How do I change this? I'm embarrassed to tell my husband or anyone that I have been writing a blog. I had to celebrate my 7 year anniversary without my son. This year our first mother's day without my son. The first father's without Seamus. I could picture the what my husband would have done with his son on father's day. He would have taken him fishing with his best friend Ron at lake fulmor. He would have had Seamus in his baby bjorn teaching how to fish even though Seamus would have only been 5 and half month old by father's day. It's such a beautiful picture in my mind of the 2 of them.