The After Life

I'm really mad at my best friend right now. Not only did she say something that hurt my feelings, she has been drinking again. I love her to death and I don't know how to handle this correctly. I know I need to talk to her. She is one of those people that when she gets drunk the truth comes out. That's why I am very certain that she meant what she said when she said,"I envy your life." You envy my life?! WTF?! Seriously?! How?! She has so many great things in her life. A husband that loves her and works hard to support them. Two beautiful little boys, 3 year old and 2 months. Parents that are understanding, loving, and supportive. That are also helping the buy a house but, it my life she envy's. My miserable existence that involves crying all the time, wishing and praying things could have been different, looking at pictures that remind me of someone beautiful that is no longer here, more crying and hoping for better days. Wait I forgot to mention how hard it ...

I feel like my life is falling apart. I thought it was sort of getting together but, I was wrong. The seams are busting open. I'm so confused and not sure how to fix it. One thing has changed our life's forever and it hasn't stopped changing things in our life. When well things be back on tract?! I don't wanna do this anymore.

Everyday when I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm trying to figure out who I am. I don't feel like myself anymore but, I don't feel like I know who I am. Life feel strange. Like I living in some stranger's life. It doesn't feel like mine. I constantly feel like I staggering around trying to find myself but, I never do. And all the while I'm doing this the world keeps turning but, without me. After 8 months of living this life why am I still finding my way? Why do I feel like a stranger? I don't know how to find my way through this foggy haze.

So I'm suppose to write 5 thing I'm grateful for everyday and focus on them throughout the day. This is suppose to help me get through my anger that I'm feeling. I am seeing a family therapist as of yesterday to work through my issues and my anger I have. I am anger and I have every right to be. My son is gone and I have to watch everyone else life's go forward when I feel like mine is moving backwards. Friends are buying houses and having more babies while I live sadly morning mine. It feels wrong. I have to go to a friends baby shower Saturday. I don't know how it will go. I'm not exactly looking forward to it.  So my 5 things: My husband, Seamus(of course), my dogs, family, and love.