Unbearable

Some days it feels unbearable. My chest gets heavy, my eyes tear up and I just don't want to do it anymore. Life feels like a burden rather than a blessing.

Then others day I can laugh and be like a normal person. Normal?! What is normal exactly?  I think everyone is going to interpret it differently.  Honestly I don't think that normal exist anymore. I think normal is extinct.  My life is very different then I ever expected it to be. Which is both good and bad.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my past. My childhood to be exact. Nothing about my childhood was normal. I never tell anyone about it. I only tell people that my stepfather was a aloholic but there is so much more that I don't share or talk about. So many things that no one knows. Sometimes I feel like I'm full of secrets. Secrets from my past. I guess I have been asking myself why I keep them? But do I really want people to know how bad things were at times? I don't know. Lately someone has been asking to read my blog. I'm not sure how I feel about that. No one reads my blog not even my husband. I'm not sure what this person's intentions are.

There is just so much I don't share even on here.  Sometimes I feel like I want to share my journey but who really wants to read about some sad depressed soul, who's spent the last 3 years grieving and doesn't see a end in sight. I guess I think that there is no way that my life is interesting enought for someone to read about or even to care about. I don't feel like I'm special.