Strengths

I hope to find my strengths when this journey ends...

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Write

I have been trying to get on here to write but I haven't found the time until tonight. I wanted my husband to hold me but he is sleep and I feel bad waking him up. I can't sleep. I have a hard time sleeping anymore. I'm just hoping to hear a Seamus crying for me in the next room but I know I'll never hear it. I'll never wake up hearing him cry. It feels so horrible knowing that. I hate living this way, without him. I sit here tonight in the dark alone crying. Everyday just sucks no matter how good you try to make it. I wish that I had someone that understood what I am going through and could tell me,'things are going to be okay and your going to have 4 more perfect babies and don't worry you'll pregnant soon and happy again.' Right now it feels like I'll never be happy and to get pregnant again feels impossible.I thought that I might be pregnant but then today I was sure I was not. I feel like I'm being punished.From what I don't have a c...
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Two Months Later

It's been just over two months since Seamus passed. Everyday I miss him. There is not a day, that goes by that I don't think of him. He looked so perfect on the outside. You would have never guessed that there could be something so wrong inside his brain. No matter how much they tell me that it was nothing I did wrong, I still feel it was something I did or didn't do. The sadness and emptiness you feel  when you loss a child you can't explain. And you can't understand unless it's happened to you. A little back story on what happened. My husband and I have been hoping for a child for sometime now. So on June 12, 2011 we were surprised and overjoyed. I had kind of a ruff pregnancy since I was sick everyday. So sick that I was put on Zofan for my nausea because I kept losing weight. My pre pregnancy weight was 242. When I was 16 week I weight 214. I had lost 28 lbs in 12 weeks. Other than that my pregnancy was progressive like normal. I was due January 31, 2012. I ...
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Baited

Well...I am super pissed at...MYSELF! Let's say someone from work was asking a question about something that was none of their business and I fell right into the trap! They were fishing for something they thought they knew and I took the bait. Then they proceed to lie about how they already knew! I am so angry at myself for not seeing that coming! How can I ever trust people like that!? I can't! They said their not gonna tell anyone because it's not their business but I still don't believe them. I guess I'm always waiting for someone to stab me in the back because it's happened so many times. Why didn't they just straight up ask me instead of fishing for the anwser?! I am you so upset about it and of course I am being told that I am over reacting. I just like for people to have things over my head. I don't want them to have something to hold/use against me. Yes, I understand how that sounds...like the whole world I'd against me! But maybe it is?! Ma...
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