It's Okay

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Something Missing

For most of my life I have always felt like something was missing. Like everyday I wake up I feel like I am not whole. I have always tried to fill that hole with the things I thought I was supposed to like family, friends and work. But maybe all this time something has been missing because I have never tried to be my real self. The person I really am. I think I have been lying to myself for a long time about who I really am. Like if I pretended to be the person everyone around thought I was/should be for long enough that I would be. In turn I think I have made myself miserable trying to be that person.  I guess I never really knew who I even was until recently. I still finding out. I hope that this is what I am supposed to be. At this point only time will tell....
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I have been trying to get on here to write but I haven't found the time until tonight. I wanted my husband to hold me but he is sleep and I feel bad waking him up. I can't sleep. I have a hard time sleeping anymore. I'm just hoping to hear a Seamus crying for me in the next room but I know I'll never hear it. I'll never wake up hearing him cry. It feels so horrible knowing that. I hate living this way, without him. I sit here tonight in the dark alone crying. Everyday just sucks no matter how good you try to make it. I wish that I had someone that understood what I am going through and could tell me,'things are going to be okay and your going to have 4 more perfect babies and don't worry you'll pregnant soon and happy again.' Right now it feels like I'll never be happy and to get pregnant again feels impossible.I thought that I might be pregnant but then today I was sure I was not. I feel like I'm being punished.From what I don't have a c...
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