The After Life

I feel so lost and alone.

I thought moving would make things better. I thought it would take away the sadness and pain I felt and it did for a little while. Now I'm back to the why me and angry I was feeling before. I'm sick and tired of everyone getting pregnant but me. I'm tired of the stress and pressure it puts on me. Most of all I'm tired of the anger I always feel. I want peace and closer but I can't seem to find it anywhere I look. I thought I could find it in Oregon, I did for a very short time. I thought I would find it at the support group I have been going to and I haven't. I keep asking Jehovah for help and I'm not sure if I have found it. I'm so confused, sad and angry. Almost 2 years later I still hardly sleep at night. I feel like I get angrier everyday. I know I get angrier when I see young unwed girl post their pregnant on Facebook or when I see it on tv. I hate how acceptable it is to be a teenage mother or an unwed mother. I feel very lost.

Mike Seamus Family My dogs Love I gonna try everyday from now on to write 5 things I'm thankful for that day. You might think that's easy, maybe for it is. I will try to look on the brighter side and just maybe I will get there. Hope the end of my pain is in sight because I still feel it everyday. Its easier to pretend to be okay then to explain why I am sad or upset. Well goodnight.

I miss you. Every second, every minute, every hour and every day I miss you. Seamus, miss you, miss you.

I try to sleep but your on my mind. I try to work but your on my mind. I try to go out but your on my mind. Everything that I do your right there with me, in my mind. I always think of you no matter what I do baby boy. When I see that baby at the grocery store I wonder what you would look like. Would you look more like daddy or like me. When I hear children laughing I wonder what you would sound like. When I hear children talking I wonder what you would say. What would have been your first word? There are so many questions I have and so much I think about when it comes to you. I wonder all the time what life would be like with you here and not there. I think about you not just everyday, but multiple times in the day. Know that I am always missing you, no matter what changes in life your always thought about and missed. I love you Seamus.

I'm confused and unsure of my life right now. I hope tonight is good and no bad. I don't know what is going on with us. Were do we go from here.

Lately I just feel like giving up. I'm so stressed about bill, money, work, spending time with Mike and looking for another job. I just don't wanna do it anymore. I have been hoping to get pregnant again too and it's just not working. I don't feel like anything is working lately. I tried to fix it everything but I can't. I feel very alone and I talk to Jehovah and I hope that he is listening. Things have been better since we moved but they are still hard. I can't stand all the pregnancy around me. It hurts and it feels so unfair. I try not to think about it but I can't stop. Its all that I want. My life is still so incomplete and empty. Everyone keeps saying it will happen, don't worry it's gonna happen. But when? I have been waiting over a year. They weight of life is crushing me and I feel so alone. I'm so tired and burnt out. I'm worn down and out. I need something to show that's it's all gonna work out soon. I continue to be crush...