The After Life

I have struggled to know what my self worth is my whole life. I still do...so many time I wonder if I am even worthy of certain things...or certain people. Like am I even worthy for some to love me again like truly love me...every part of me. Am I pretty enough or fit enough for this person that I want to be with? Eight months ago I would have said no. I realize now that, that one person wasn't worthy enough of me....but in learning and figuring this out I shoved off the person that was trying to show me that I have self worth. I never expected this person to show me so much about myself...or show me all the things that my last relationship lacked. I was so focused on the wrong things and wrong people that I also let him slip away. That week of silence without him, was deafening. I missed him whole heartedly and felt so broken and lost. I realized during this week that I truly wanted to be with him. That I had strong feelings that I never shared with him but instead hid because ...

This mother's day felt like all the rest...empty and sad. Very few acknowledge that I am a mother which makes me sad, since they get to look at their children everyday for a daily reminder that they are a mother. I however only get to imagine what my son might look like now. I guess this is how it is....for right now.

This is day 3 of silence...and it is horrible. I feel so sad and horrendous. I miss him so much. But I can't tell him any of these things and to realize last night that this is my own fault makes it worse. It's like do I enjoy this pain and suffering?! Is that why I continue to make the wrong choices?! I must but I have constantly found myself in pain lately. Realizing that you caused your own pain this time really is shitty though. When he asked me to be with him, I truly didn't feel ready but 2 weeks later when I asked him I did...now I have nothing. Another life lesson to learn....but how many of these life lessons am I going to have to learn?! I really do miss him...his smell is one that I absolutely loved and now it's gone along with him. Fuck! Life is annoying. 

Well....I am currently losing at life. At this moment I am the saddest I have been in a long time. I miss him so much and it's only been a couple of hours. But at the same time I want to cut his throat...it's hurts, so bad. I will now change direction... I will become absolutely epic and will find a better me. This is why I'm so closed down because my heart always gets broken by some kind of loss. Goodbye...I promise you will regret it....I promise

Coming back to Idyllwild has been kinda painful...I'm a way that makes me glad I live far away. I have a good life where I live now. I have friends that love me for the first time in a long time. I love my family and miss them but I won't come back here. Idyllwild is toxic...poisonous to me witch is why I'm going to leave it in my rear view mirror soon. I love Oregon. I'm a phoenix rising from the ashes of my old life.... This is the new me...new life...just Sara This place feel so familiar but it's not home anymore...Oregon is my home 💚

Tomorrow is Seamus' 5th birthday. Wow this is painful. So as you hug your child and kiss them on the forehead, while you tell them happy birthday be grateful for not every parent gets that luxury. Happy birthday my baby boy! Forever loved and always remembered.

Well it's almost here again....the dreaded Mother's Day. As husbands and children prepared to celebrate their mothers, I prepare for a day of misery. Celebrating just makes me feel sad and depressed about everything I'm missing. So I might as well embrace the misery and welcome it rather than fighting it off. Some will remember that I am still a mother and others will forget which I should be used to by now but I'm not. So to everyone that remembers thank you and to everyone who forgets fuck you!