Two Months Later

It's been just over two months since Seamus passed. Everyday I miss him. There is not a day, that goes by that I don't think of him. He looked so perfect on the outside. You would have never guessed that there could be something so wrong inside his brain. No matter how much they tell me that it was nothing I did wrong, I still feel it was something I did or didn't do. The sadness and emptiness you feel  when you loss a child you can't explain. And you can't understand unless it's happened to you. A little back story on what happened. My husband and I have been hoping for a child for sometime now. So on June 12, 2011 we were surprised and overjoyed. I had kind of a ruff pregnancy since I was sick everyday. So sick that I was put on Zofan for my nausea because I kept losing weight. My pre pregnancy weight was 242. When I was 16 week I weight 214. I had lost 28 lbs in 12 weeks. Other than that my pregnancy was progressive like normal. I was due January 31, 2012. I was  still working and things were going great. On December 27 I was very sick and had a bad day at work but I had a doctor appointment on December 29 and was going to have my doctor take me off work since tasks were getting to be very difficult. not to mention I was almost 9 moths pregnant now. The next morning I woke up with a burst of energy ready to tackle my day. I went to work like usual. It was a great day. Later on that night around 8:15 pm my water broke. I was in shock because even though we were ready for Seamus it was too early. My due date wasn't for another month. So after 6 hours in labor and 20 minutes of pushing my beautiful baby boy Seamus was born at 3:49 am on December 29, 2011. He was having a difficult time breathing so they took him right to the warmer. I watched in panic. I was knew there was something wrong when I never heard him cry. I looked at my husband now knowing what I should do. My husband Mike got to see him for a brief moment before they took him away to they nursery. I missed out on my son's first moments of life. It bugs me everyday. They told us that he was bigger then they thought he would be since he was a preemie.At 5 lbs 9 oz and 19 inches long. All they could tell us that he was having a difficult time breathing and that they were going to transfer him to Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego. When  I finally got to see his in the nursery hours later I was horrified by the ventilator tube in his month. There was a nurse that was breathing for him but, he was breathing good on his own. All I could do was touch his and look at him. I wasn't even able to hold him. We stay with him until the people for Rady came and took him away. I was only in the hospital 12 hour before I left. I even left with no pain meds so I could go to San Diego to be with my son. I was they longest drive ever from Murritea to San Diego after just having a baby. We were lucky to have gotten a room at the Ronald Mc Donald house. I think my Aunt may have has something to do with that because they had no room at first the one opened up. If you did. Thank you. Anyways once we arrived at the hospital and when to his room to see Seamus we found out that things were much wrong then we had thought. After a few day in the hospital we found out the Seamus' brain was very badly deformed.I don't know they name they used for what he had. The doctor said that if he lived that chances are he would never speak and walk among other things but, their main concern right now was that he didn't have a gag reflex, so he had no way to protect his air way even though he was mostly breathing on his own. This was horrible new to everyone. I didn't know what to think. Well more days passed along with many more test done and the news never got any better. Seamus' brain was getting worse. The cells were dying instead of healing. We met with more doctors but, they all said pretty much the same thing. That own precious son was dying and they didn't know how long he would make it. We knew that a child on a ventilator would have no quality of life and that it would be selfish of us to make him live like that. In the middle of all this someone suggested organ donation. This is the last thing want to think about because your hoping the doctors are wrong and that things are going to work out some how but we need to cover all part before deciding what to do to. So we did. We decided to pull the tube hoping that it was shock his body in to breath on his own and protect his air way. We had two plans. If this work we would go to hospice and hopeful end going home. If not the we would donate his organs to help save someone the pain of losing someone but, first we need to see if he was able to be a donor. Many blood test later for Seamus and I we got good news that he was able to be a donor. Now to find a surgeon that would work in a baby so small. There was only one in the country who would work on babies this small and he happen to be in California. So a couple of days later we found out he would do it and be in town on Monday January 9. It seemed too soon but, how long do you prolong the inevitable?! So on January 9, 2012 at 4 pm they removed the tube. The surgeon was standing by. Forty minutes later Seamus passed away peacefully in my arms. I has to be the worst day of my life. They took him right away to the operating room. We cried all night and the next day we found out that his liver cell would help three babies until they could receive a liver transplant. Then on February 5 we go a letter from Lifesharing( they are the organ donation people) that Seamus' kidneys had been place with a 50 year old lady here in California and that she was on the road to recovery. I made my husband so happy. Even in death my baby boy has help someone else. He is a little hero. Then we found out the we were the first parent to have ever donate a baby's organ is the NICU at Rady Children's Hospital. He was the smallest donor they have even had. As my husband finds comfort in the organ donation I don't right now. I'm happy we did it but, nothing is really comforting right now. Now we are waiting on some genetic testing to determine if it was just a genetic mutation in Seamus' genes. They say it can take up to 12 weeks. It's been 9 weeks. I hoping  soon to hear something.  The waiting is killing me.