Seamus' Room

Four blue walls and a white door. It might not look like much to anyone else but, that room means so much to me. At first it was full of so much hope, love, and possibilities. Now it's still so full of love but, also sadness, crushed dreams, and empty hope. 'Little Boy Blue' was the name of the color we picked his room. His name was even on the door. That small room is so full of memories even though Seamus never made it home or into his room. When he didn't come I made it my sanctuary where I could cry alone. One night when I was home alone, I even read a book to Seamus' bear. I read 'I Love You Forever' to his bear. I didn't pack up his thing until March or April and even then it took me a month to finish. I didn't want to pack his things because then it truly meant it was real. That he was never come home. That he would never sleep in his crib. He would never wear his clothes. He would never play with his toys. He would never laugh or cry. He would never read his books and all the wonderful words family and friends wrote to him. I miss him so much. There are no words that can describe how much. My heart hurts. Even though some days it hurt to have his things around, I still wanted around. So right with it in storage and his room gone it's hard to deal with. It's so hard to let go of his room because, not only do I not want to let go. I'm not ready to. I found out the other day that there will be a baby living in Seamus' room. Not mine but, there is a couple that is expecting a baby boy that is moving in to our old house. It's so frustrating and infuriating. That room was meant for my baby boy Seamus, not someone else's. Things will never be the same.