The After Life

Does this ache ever go away? I hurts...it hurts so bad. I need someone to turn to. Someone to understand. I really need a friend. Someone who can just be there and listen when I need them. I'm starting to lose hope again. I don't know if I will ever find it again. I try so hard But such a huge part if me is gone. How can I  ever be whole again? Will I ever be whole again? I need something to mend this pain. I need something.

I always find a piece of you somewhere in the day. Something that makes me think of you if I haven't already. Today a coworker said," I don't know know how she was able to just come back to work after."  She was referring to someone who had, had a miscarriage recently, but you have to go back to work. You don have a choice. You still have to eat and pay bills. Life doesn't give us a choice if we want to stop living. I keep reading this quote, " you never know how strong you are until it's your only choice." Its so true. My thoughts are scattered in so many directions today. I keep thinking about our future. Mostly the future at work. Changes are in the wind and I just not sure where things well land. A door may open that would be good for us but it comes with so much. Plus I don't know if the would consider me because I don't necessarily have the experience. I think I getting ahead of myself because that door hasn't open and will have to...

I still search for a reason, something to tell why it was us this happen to. I never seem to find one and I don't think I ever will. I try to understand that things just happen and there isn't a always a reason but it feels impossible to find peace in that. Everyday I think about him, everyday he crosses my mind. I still have so many "why's"  that will never be answered and every milestone that will never be crossed. I still find so much anger in my heart and so much pain in my words. I find so many pregnancy announcements in my news feed, none of which are mine. My heart is still so broken and hurt. I search for sign of him in everyday things but there is nothing. I pray for peace but I just can't seem to find it. Everyday I debate whether I should give up on my dreams or continue to weather these storms. 

Another mother's day alone... I mean with empty arms. This makes three. This is my third mother's day and all I want to do is skip it. I hate it. It just is another day that reminds me of what I don't have. I don't feel like a mother. I never do. I hate being reminded that I am a bereaved mother. I really just hate it. I want to be happy but I just can't. I feel alone. This isn't how my life was suppose to be. I don't understand why this has happened. I keep waiting for God to show me the answers but I can't find them. It all wrong. I hate mother's day!

I still don't know what it means to live again. There are still so many day like today I just feeling like giving up. It so hard to keep going and I feel so unstable inside bit I can't tell anyone. I still feel so lost and empty. Going to group and talking about my loss doesn't help in the way I thought it would.I find myself a lot of Times not wanting to go anymore. At first I loved to go, I even loomed forward to it every month. Now it feels like a chore. I guess even though all those ladies know the pain I feel that I feel like I still can't say what I really want to say. I still can't totally be myself. But who am I really? I am mean, angry and hateful person now. I can no longer see the good in this world. And when I see my coworker come in with her new healthy baby I want to stab myself in the stomach. It hurts so bad. I try to be happy but I am I am incapable. I can't wait another two or four year for another baby. Why can't I do the one thing a woma...

Today I feel sad. I'm not sure exactly what is making me sad but I feel the sadness deep within. It the first day of February already. Seamus' birthday and hero-versary as I'm calling was different this year. The first year there was such and out pouring of love for us and him. This time not nearly as much. It feels like so many have forgotten him. It makes me so angry. Just because they can't see him they have forgotten him. I have decided that I will not let they forget again because I am going to do same things in memory of Seamus to make everyone remember that Mike and I have a son too even though he isn't here with us.

Today is the is January 8th, which means tomorrow is the 9th. I have to work today and figure how to pretend like I'm okay. I know none of these people understand or can imagine what I'm feeling inside. I know they probably look at me and think we'll she looks alright so she is probably okay. But I'm not. I think I scare myself how good I have gotten about putting on a mask everyday that hides what I am really feeling. I never say what I really want to say when people ask how I'm doing, I just simply say okay. I really want to say, I'm horrible. I'm not fine or okay. I'm having a terrible day and your crying baby is making it worse. But I can't say that cause I would lose my job and I need my job. I can't even say I'm having a bad day because then they will ask why. I just have to hide what I really feel and pretend that I'm okay. I have to put my mask on everyday. I will never be able to be my real self at work. Two years. Two very long ...