Within Myself

I still don't know what it means to live again. There are still so many day like today I just feeling like giving up. It so hard to keep going and I feel so unstable inside bit I can't tell anyone. I still feel so lost and empty. Going to group and talking about my loss doesn't help in the way I thought it would.I find myself a lot of Times not wanting to go anymore. At first I loved to go, I even loomed forward to it every month. Now it feels like a chore. I guess even though all those ladies know the pain I feel that I feel like I still can't say what I really want to say. I still can't totally be myself.

But who am I really? I am mean, angry and hateful person now. I can no longer see the good in this world. And when I see my coworker come in with her new healthy baby I want to stab myself in the stomach. It hurts so bad. I try to be happy but I am I am incapable. I can't wait another two or four year for another baby. Why can't I do the one thing a woman should be able to do? If I can't then why the hell am I here? I hide so much of myself. I have to bury it so deep inside that it hurts, it aches. This has ruined me. It has ruined my friendships. It ruined my family. I try to look for ways to help like the March of dimes but it's not enough. I still pray for guidance but I can't seem to find it. 

I wondering around in a dark room bumping into everything. I can hear voice but their not talking to me. I feel people but they aren't reaching out.

Life was never suppose to be this hard. I got married before having kids. I did it the right way. My husband is the only man I have laid down with. I'm a good wife, I take care of my husband like the bible says. So what am I doing wrong? I really don't know.