Group

I want to go back to support group but I just can't bring myself to go to the meetings. Its been almost a year I think since I have been. But I just can't sit there and share what I'm feeling. I feel like I can't relate to them. Their lives are different, they have other children or are pregnant by now. I have yet to become pregnant again and we are talking about adoption. I no longer feel a common ground. Plus I'm tired, oh so tired of sharing and feeling my sadness. I'm trying make the mask I where everyday permanent....I'm not saying that I'm gonna forget or stop thinking about Seamus. But I can't tear everything off at these meetings every month. Yes everyday I where a mask over my feeling that I hide from everyone, no I don't tell them my son is dead, no I don't tell them my heart is broken,  no I don't tell them I just want to cry when I see a pregnant belly. I use my mask to cover my real feeling because to get through each day I have to bury them. Otherwise I'm gonna fall apart. I can't hear them complain. I know part of what they feel but do them know what I feel? Do they real care?

I feel alone so much even though there are people around me. No one can hear me screaming on the inside. I don't think anyone wants to know what I really feel. I'm scared to tell the people I love what I'm fell and how much pain I am in. I accept it. It wrong and messed up. Why was it our son? Why?  I still ask what I did wrong and question everything.  I run through everything in my head over and over again but nothing changes. He still isn't here... he never will be. I try to find him in the wind or in the sky and I see nothing. I don't feel him or see him.  I feel so robbed and cheat.

I'm tired. So I put my mask on and try not to feel. But then I rip my scar open just to feel. Sometimes I think I torture myself so I don't forget that he was real. But I'm so afraid I will forget him. I miss you so much Seamus. More then any words can ever describe.