The After Life

The loneliness is settling and unsettling all at the same time! I find myself thinking too much when I'm alone. When I lay down to sleep my mind goes every direction! I can't find a way to make it stop. The emptiness is loud. It screams for me and I always answer. I don't what I can do to make it go away. I try filling in with other things but nothing fills the space....Its deeper then I could have ever imagined! It owns me in every possible way. There is only one way to numb the emptiness...  It's only been a few days and the numbing factor already owns me! It has become a need, not just a want anymore. I happily welcome it, knowing that light, warm, careless feeling is soon to come. It feels like a drug that I have to have. The light and carefree feeling is what owns me now! I don't want to care. Because I care too much! I care about things that I can't even change. Discovering this numbing effect is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. But t...

I find myself in this situation a lot! Everytime people ask if I have any children, I'm not sure what to tell them. Sometimes I'm honest and tell them the truth, but then they get quite not sure what to say next with this look of pity. Other times I just lie and say no but then I feel so guilty. Like I just dismissed the fact that I do have a child. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. Then there are times when I don't say enough. When people ask me things like how are things on bad days, I never tell them what I really feel. There so many times I don't say enough because I don't think they can handle my answer or maybe it just cause I don't think it really matters.

I never sleep good when I'm away from home. So I was told to make my mind blank and black, focus on that. I have been trying for an hour now and I can't. I keep telling myself to focus but then my mind gets distracted. I am only able to focus on everything that I'm trying not too! I wish I could just let it all melt away! I know I'm broken, I just wish I knew what it was that needed to be fixed.....

Well....now it's October and I love this time of year! I love fall, the leaves changing and the cold setting in. However the year is also coming to an end. The end of a year can bring such happiness for many people and bring families together for the holidays but for me it brings heartache. Therefore all of the things I used to love about this time of year are now forever stained with sadness, pain and of course.....heartache. I try to bury it, at least while I'm out or with other people. But then there are times and some people that when your with them, they make you forget how broken you are. I still have those days though where you feel like I need to run that silver razor down my wrist  but I don't. I think maybe it will make it hurt just a little less if something else hurt. But it's a different kind of hurt. I never tell anyone how much I really hurt because they just can't understand my pain. The one person I want to tell I can't anymore. He does underst...

This would be ne on a nut shell!