Love & Hate

Well....now it's October and I love this time of year! I love fall, the leaves changing and the cold setting in. However the year is also coming to an end. The end of a year can bring such happiness for many people and bring families together for the holidays but for me it brings heartache. Therefore all of the things I used to love about this time of year are now forever stained with sadness, pain and of course.....heartache. I try to bury it, at least while I'm out or with other people. But then there are times and some people that when your with them, they make you forget how broken you are. I still have those days though where you feel like I need to run that silver razor down my wrist  but I don't. I think maybe it will make it hurt just a little less if something else hurt. But it's a different kind of hurt.

I never tell anyone how much I really hurt because they just can't understand my pain. The one person I want to tell I can't anymore. He does understand where I am in my journey. His path is different, which is fine I just wish I didn't have to be alone for mine.

I am getting ready to leave for a month for some training for work. I am so scared of how alone I will feel since I feel alone when there is people around me. Maybe it will be good for me to be alone, so can figure how not too....I have no IDEA  what I need to figure out other then to keep hiding how I feel. I just miss him so much, that words just can't describe! I still feel so empty after four years! I don't understand how this much pain and suffering can be possible! But I guess when you baby dies there is no limit to how much it can hurt.

I still can't even hold my friend's baby. He was born about a month ago and I can't bear the thought of holding him. Part of me wants to but the other part says don't do it! So I don't. I look at him and wish he was mine every time. But his isnt. As much as I want another baby I don't think it will fix anything because I still don't have the one that I want! The one that left a broken heart and empty arms!

Oh October how I love but also hate you!