The After Life

Today I feel sad. I'm not sure exactly what is making me sad but I feel the sadness deep within. It the first day of February already. Seamus' birthday and hero-versary as I'm calling was different this year. The first year there was such and out pouring of love for us and him. This time not nearly as much. It feels like so many have forgotten him. It makes me so angry. Just because they can't see him they have forgotten him. I have decided that I will not let they forget again because I am going to do same things in memory of Seamus to make everyone remember that Mike and I have a son too even though he isn't here with us.

Today is the is January 8th, which means tomorrow is the 9th. I have to work today and figure how to pretend like I'm okay. I know none of these people understand or can imagine what I'm feeling inside. I know they probably look at me and think we'll she looks alright so she is probably okay. But I'm not. I think I scare myself how good I have gotten about putting on a mask everyday that hides what I am really feeling. I never say what I really want to say when people ask how I'm doing, I just simply say okay. I really want to say, I'm horrible. I'm not fine or okay. I'm having a terrible day and your crying baby is making it worse. But I can't say that cause I would lose my job and I need my job. I can't even say I'm having a bad day because then they will ask why. I just have to hide what I really feel and pretend that I'm okay. I have to put my mask on everyday. I will never be able to be my real self at work. Two years. Two very long ...

I lay in bed crying. I'm missing you little boy. Almost two. How can it be? It feels like yesterday you were coming and we were so happy and couldn't wait to meet you. Things are different now. I don't know what happiness is anymore. You took it when you left and we haven't been able to find it since.

I'm struggling. I'm holding my breath and I don't know why. I feel like I'm going crazy. Making up stupid things in my head that kept me up all night. I don't even know what it like to sleep like a normal person. Every night my mind wonders keeping me up. I don't know how to shut it off. I think it's starting to make me paranoid. I read something yesterday that said, "Don't always believe what your mind thinks." But how can I do that? There is no manual about how to keep living after your child dies or this is what to do or this is what your live looks like from now on. Things seem to be progressing in the right way what there are things that I feel are going backwards. Is December going to send me back 5 steps every year? 

Well December is here. No matter how much I have dreaded it, it still came. I'm already ready to break out the hot cheetos and Dr pepper and whatever. I'm not ready for this month. I still don't know what to do to remember Seamus. Last year the card time capsule and this time I don't really know. I really wish I could see my therapist I was see last year I could really use her. He would be 2 in 27 more days. Walking and eating, laughing and talking but there is none of that. Just silence and still no hope of another. I hoped this year would be better and in some ways it has but no matter what we still have one thing missing, a child. Seamus will always be missing and I am getting better at accepting that. I have a room full of unused baby items and I go back and fourth about selling them. I can't even look at them. How long do I tote the stuff around? Forever? I don't really know right now. I just need to make it through the month right now.

I feel so lost and alone.

I thought moving would make things better. I thought it would take away the sadness and pain I felt and it did for a little while. Now I'm back to the why me and angry I was feeling before. I'm sick and tired of everyone getting pregnant but me. I'm tired of the stress and pressure it puts on me. Most of all I'm tired of the anger I always feel. I want peace and closer but I can't seem to find it anywhere I look. I thought I could find it in Oregon, I did for a very short time. I thought I would find it at the support group I have been going to and I haven't. I keep asking Jehovah for help and I'm not sure if I have found it. I'm so confused, sad and angry. Almost 2 years later I still hardly sleep at night. I feel like I get angrier everyday. I know I get angrier when I see young unwed girl post their pregnant on Facebook or when I see it on tv. I hate how acceptable it is to be a teenage mother or an unwed mother. I feel very lost.