The After Life

I am so angry! Beyond! How can this be happening. My tweaker brother in-law and his tweaker bitch girlfriend are having a baby. Oh dear God why?! For these two to reproduce is so fucking wrong. Why is this okay?! The fucking tweakers, the slutty teenager and unmarried can easy accidentally get pregnant but the ones that actually want to bring a child into a loving family have the hardest time?! Life is ridiculous!  I'm pissed, I'm mad, I'm angry, among some many other words!

Some days it feels unbearable. My chest gets heavy, my eyes tear up and I just don't want to do it anymore. Life feels like a burden rather than a blessing. Then others day I can laugh and be like a normal person. Normal?! What is normal exactly?  I think everyone is going to interpret it differently.  Honestly I don't think that normal exist anymore. I think normal is extinct.  My life is very different then I ever expected it to be. Which is both good and bad. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my past. My childhood to be exact. Nothing about my childhood was normal. I never tell anyone about it. I only tell people that my stepfather was a aloholic but there is so much more that I don't share or talk about. So many things that no one knows. Sometimes I feel like I'm full of secrets. Secrets from my past. I guess I have been asking myself why I keep them? But do I really want people to know how bad things were at times? I don't know. Lately someone has been...

Today I am screaming inside. I am feeling crazy among others things. But why must she bring it up?! We know everyone knows! You can't hide it. We all fucking know! So go talk to someone else rather than making me feel like shit inside. I cant show how I really feel. With nothing really. This is so dumb but I am literally like Else from Frozen, 'conceal don't feel, don't let it show.' Yep that's me everyday. I will never be the person I really am.

So somethings have changed like the title of my blog for one. There have been so many changes in the last 3 years or even in the last year let's say. Where am I at right now in my life? Well, I work at a place I love even though things are crazy sometimes and I freak out a lot but I think that's because I'm am OCD control freak. Yeah I said it!  I still try to hide my OCD tenancies but they are there. Work is the one place I can control the outcome of most things not always but mostly. I work with some great people. There are a handful in particular that I really like and see them more as friends. Hopefully the feeling is mutual. Lol. You never know! Its hard that one of them is pregnant and everyone is awwwing all over but I'm trying. I'm trying to be happy for her. I'm trying not to lose it when they talk about her  'cute belly'. I really am TRYING! But I have been on a mean streak lately. My mouth has said somethings it can't take back and it will...

I want to go back to support group but I just can't bring myself to go to the meetings. Its been almost a year I think since I have been. But I just can't sit there and share what I'm feeling. I feel like I can't relate to them. Their lives are different, they have other children or are pregnant by now. I have yet to become pregnant again and we are talking about adoption. I no longer feel a common ground. Plus I'm tired, oh so tired of sharing and feeling my sadness. I'm trying make the mask I where everyday permanent....I'm not saying that I'm gonna forget or stop thinking about Seamus. But I can't tear everything off at these meetings every month. Yes everyday I where a mask over my feeling that I hide from everyone, no I don't tell them my son is dead, no I don't tell them my heart is broken,  no I don't tell them I just want to cry when I see a pregnant belly. I use my mask to cover my real feeling because to get through each day I h...

I am not whole, nor will I ever be whole. I will always have a hole in my heart, life my life where you belong. But you aren't able to be there, there for I will never be whole. That was the thought running threw my head. Tonight my hubby brought up adoption again. The first time he brought it up I shut him down but this time I actually thought about it. But could I really care for a child that isn't technically mine? Can I be selfless enough to love and care for them as if they were mine? As if I birthed them? I just don't know. Its so much to think about and to consider.