The After Life

In 1 hour December is officially here. The crushing sadness and emptiness has already arrived. I miss him. I miss that little boy I held in my arms for the first on December 30 2011, the day after he was born. I miss each emotional day I spent with him. I miss the little hands and feet. I miss everything! My soul is crushed. My heart is rebreaking, just like it does every year at this time.  The pieces just start to come together but them December comes again. I feel like I am being shut out by him. He doesn't tell me how he feel. I worry about him. I try not to annoy him with questions and just try to let him be but it's hurts me if I think he is unhappy. I don't know what to do. I try to brush all of these things off but I can't. I love them both too much!

I so much miss the person! But there are so many memories that I also miss. I miss every memory.

Being alone has gotten easier, but regardless I still am ready to go home. I'm trying to live in the moment...only I don't know how too. I'm always living for 5 steps ahead! I miss my family and my friends! And my store!  Home is just so appealing, especially right now..

The loneliness is settling and unsettling all at the same time! I find myself thinking too much when I'm alone. When I lay down to sleep my mind goes every direction! I can't find a way to make it stop. The emptiness is loud. It screams for me and I always answer. I don't what I can do to make it go away. I try filling in with other things but nothing fills the space....Its deeper then I could have ever imagined! It owns me in every possible way. There is only one way to numb the emptiness...  It's only been a few days and the numbing factor already owns me! It has become a need, not just a want anymore. I happily welcome it, knowing that light, warm, careless feeling is soon to come. It feels like a drug that I have to have. The light and carefree feeling is what owns me now! I don't want to care. Because I care too much! I care about things that I can't even change. Discovering this numbing effect is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. But t...

I find myself in this situation a lot! Everytime people ask if I have any children, I'm not sure what to tell them. Sometimes I'm honest and tell them the truth, but then they get quite not sure what to say next with this look of pity. Other times I just lie and say no but then I feel so guilty. Like I just dismissed the fact that I do have a child. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. Then there are times when I don't say enough. When people ask me things like how are things on bad days, I never tell them what I really feel. There so many times I don't say enough because I don't think they can handle my answer or maybe it just cause I don't think it really matters.

I never sleep good when I'm away from home. So I was told to make my mind blank and black, focus on that. I have been trying for an hour now and I can't. I keep telling myself to focus but then my mind gets distracted. I am only able to focus on everything that I'm trying not too! I wish I could just let it all melt away! I know I'm broken, I just wish I knew what it was that needed to be fixed.....