The After Life

I currently feel very depressed without reason.. Yes it is that time of year again..but really I am not ready to feel like this. Tired and sad is all I feel even when I have so much to be happy about. Yet...I can barely get out of bed. Everyday I sleep as much as the day will let me and then I paint my smile on and go to work. No one understands that inside I feel as though I am dying.... The pain is so much to bare, I feel as though a constant suffering is always upon me. Holding me down during the day. I have an appointment with a new counselor on Thursday, I hope that she can help me figure this out. It's becoming too much. I need out from under this before it crushes me. I really don't know how I pull myself up everyday. I realize something is wrong with me...I'm just not sure what that is... I try so hard to be happy but it's just not there.

I'm not sure where I'm at in life currently. I know at work I'm back to where I began... running the store alone. But that isn't the only place I feel alone. I have many friends and people around me all the time, something is still missing though. Not sure how I can learn I'm okay alone without driving myself insane. Of course there is always a guy that makes me question things. The more time I spend with him...the more I fall for him. It's hard for me not to obsess and make myself crazy. I reach the point where I'm afraid that I'll say or do something to screw it up. I'm struggling with myself. Confused...sad... infatuated...hurt...

I have yet to find that true love I thought I found. I realized that all of this is a life lesson for me in some way or another. I now realize how I am valuable to life...I also realize how confusing this all is. That guy i wanted to be with before finally came forward with his feelings..which I thought would feel amazing, but his timing is oh so wrong. Yes he has feelings for me but what are those exactly? I'm curious to know...but I can't ask him.  So I guess I must wonder. He has no game...but he is a good guy. However we are just friends because I am currently in a relationship, which I thought I was happy in but now it's not feeling that way. Maturity is important to be being that I act like an adult. I don't feel like him and I are on the same page..we don't have the same goals in life I feel. I'm confused but I feel like  I know what I need to do... sadly. I just want to make sure I'm not basing this off of what mister late bloomer has told me... Mo...

He was my son...my little boy. I carried him for 9 months..so no damn person is allowed to tell my how I can feel. No one is allowed to tell me how long I can be sad. No one is allowed to tell me how long too grieve him. No one is allowed to tell me when I can grieve him. I made him..he was the love of my life and I will take as long as I want, need or damn will please to be sad for him. You don't get to tell me or any other mom who has had to say goodbye to their child how long they can feel this sadness and grieve.. because we have lost out on an entire life...so we can grieve them for our lifetime...

Still to this moment in time, I can think your gone and feel so far....then out of nowhere a memory is tiggered. It knocks the wind out of me and brings me to my knees. It makes me realize that your memory is still here because of the pain I feel inside that only I still feel. I suffer in silence cause they can't understand what it's like to feel this. I'm sick to my stomach and can't sleep. I miss you so much my sweet boy, my pain may subside for a short time but it's always there reminding me that you were real.... I love you Seamus... forever and ever... until my last breath... Love mommy 💚💙

Happiness, how do we find it in this mess of a world we live in?  I spend so much time looking for my happiness...at this point I wonder if it is even possible to find for me. I am so unhappy and have been for quite a long time. The little bit of it that I find here and there are not enough to say that I am happy. This is because the little bit I find when I'm with this person are out weighted by all the over thinking and questioning I do when I'm alone.... I remember like every small detail of the people around me and yet I feel no one person tries to do the same about me. Like no one truly tries to know me. I feel as though the past is going to try to repeat it's self and I'm not sure how to stop it. Maybe it all comes down to the statement he made...I don't know if we are meant to be together...maybe he is right. Maybe I am just trying to fool myself into thinking he is the one, when he is not. The big problem at this point is this point is, that I love ...

Yes...organized chaos is exactly it! That's how I feel. My brain will not shut off...I'm screaming under my breath. Over analyzing everything in my mind. I just want to shove these things back right now. You a clouding my mind and my judgement...I love every moment with you but you are giving mixed signals and ideas. I cannot read you, which is why I'm confused and conflicted with what I need to do. Stop this madness...please!