Fix Myself

Tonight I went to see a movie with my friend.  The movie was adorable but there was a part when the 11 year old girl was depressed. It made me sad to see a child deal with that. Maybe because I can relate so well to all the feeling she was having and know how bad the feel.

Lately I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking. I got into a argument with my husband because he doesn't understand why I'm still so sad. He said he doesn't know how to be there for me and I need to tell him how. If he feels this way how does he think I feel?! I have to struggle internally with this everyday!  Its not like I want to be sad. He keeps posting I guess you could say motivation things on my Facebook wall. I think what made me them most mad was he was trying to say that I need to go back to talking to a therapist but instead of just saying that he danced around it. Just say it! Don't fucking act like we need to go to therapy together when I'm the one that needs to go.

I really try to never talk bad about him no matter what because  that's what my parents always did to each other I never what to have a marriage like their's. I didn't really want to do anything like them after growing up with them. I love them I just don't want to be like them.

I guess I just really confused at who I am and who I want to be. I know I don't want to be my parents. But I can't be the person I was 3 years ago either she is dead. She died when her son died. I always worry about what everyone thinks or wants from me or how I can makes sure everyone is okay. I spend little time worrying about how I feel. My emotions are based on everyone else's. There is a name for that...codependency. I'm stuck in this shit again just a different time and different people.

I keep telling someone to stop worrying about what everyone else says or thinks and yet I do all of that. If someone if mad I automatically think it's at me. I am such a hypocrite! I also feel like I am always bugging people. Like I just not worth their time. Like their time is too precious to be bothered with me, my problems or my anything. I feel like I am just waiting to be kick to the curb when they are sick of me.

I wonder do I do this too myself?! I'd like to think I don't. Maybe when I meet people I should make them read my blog and be like this is me. Accept it or get out! Maybe that's why I don't want to share it, but I feel if I do no one would like me anymore. I don't know. How do you stop being miserable when you don't know how to? Or maybe how do you stop being sad and get a life after your baby dies?  Or how do you stop giving a fuck about  what other people think? I don't fucking know!

My soul has become dark and I don't know how to fix it. I can't forget him or the last 3 years. His memories already feel so faraway. I just dont know how to fix myself.