The After Life

I could really use a few of these people right now!

I just wish I could be a normal person! Someone that could control their feelings normally. Uhhhggg! I have been feeling really down lately and I just cant understand why?! It really is frustrating! Even today the person I thought could bring me out of this funk, couldnt. We laughed and had fun but the minute I left I was right back in my lonely sad place by myself. Four years... it really wears on you. Everyone thinks by now you have moved on or gotten over it but I haven't. How could I ever....

I can already feel the crushing feeling of December coming and it's only mid September! I can feel the sadness, the overwhelming feelings, the regrets, crushed hopes and dreams and so much more. This year he would have been 4. How can it be 4 years? Time pass so slow and quickly all at the same time. I feel so alone in my sadness. It seen so early to be feeling this way. Plus I just got promoted at work so, I shouldn't feel thus way but yet all I can think is how much I miss him! His tiny hands, his blue eyes and how he smelled, like cake frosting.  I see my friend with her baby and it makes me think of all the things I missed out on with mine, that I will never get to do! I can't even hold her baby! I just don't want to. I really just need a day to hang with my friend who can make me laugh when I don't even want to. Hopefully next week I will get to do that. Until I will just have to grin and bear it. Which must be my favorite cause I'm always doing it!

http://www.peekabooicu.net/2015/03/a-glimpse-into-the-life-and-love-of-neonatal-nursing/ This is a job I could never do! I spent 12 days in the NICU with Seamus and I can relate to these as a parent. But I just can't imagine were these amazing nurses find their strength to do this job. It takes a special person! 

I can be laying right next to him and still feel so alone. I feel really alone. I feel so empty. I want to be whole again and I just don't know how. I wonder if anyone else know how I feel or am I alone in that also!

So today was was a big deal for me. Today I finally had my interview for assistant store manager. I have been waiting a year for this chance! I wouldn't say I have been stressed about it, more just nervous. I think it went okay but there is always the chance that someone they interviewed will be better then me. I can only hope that my work efforts have spoken for themselves! Part of me feels excited, but part of me doesn't want to let myself take it that far just yet! I don't want to let myself get disappointed if I don't get it. I think I'm to the point that I can just accepted their decision whatever it may be and just move on from that moment. I have wasted to much time stressing over it in the past. I really did the best I could to sell myself to them. I feel confident that I have done everything within my power to get it! I have to say how much love I felt getting  text from my favorite people, telling me good luck and that I got this! It helped me to be con

Well August was truly a hard month to live through. All of the changes truly impacted my mood, but mostly it was the one that happened on the last day of the month. I guess we can start with the last bit of July. My so called 'hero' told me he was leaving. This would be strike 1! Then there we found out they decided to bring a new manager in to my work to replace him instead of promoting the one there. And that was when my dreams of being promoted went in the shitter! This we can say is strike 2! But the third strike that truly broke me, like truly was my favorite person quitting. And we have arrived at strike 3! This really broke me,far more then he knows. I kept hearing, it's only a job Sara! No one actually realizes how much my job means to me though. At work I feel is the one place I can just shine. I know what to do and I know what needs to be done. But what it come down to is that this person made it more fun to my job. Then we became friend and had our own inside jo