Just Once

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Two Months Later

It's been just over two months since Seamus passed. Everyday I miss him. There is not a day, that goes by that I don't think of him. He looked so perfect on the outside. You would have never guessed that there could be something so wrong inside his brain. No matter how much they tell me that it was nothing I did wrong, I still feel it was something I did or didn't do. The sadness and emptiness you feel  when you loss a child you can't explain. And you can't understand unless it's happened to you. A little back story on what happened. My husband and I have been hoping for a child for sometime now. So on June 12, 2011 we were surprised and overjoyed. I had kind of a ruff pregnancy since I was sick everyday. So sick that I was put on Zofan for my nausea because I kept losing weight. My pre pregnancy weight was 242. When I was 16 week I weight 214. I had lost 28 lbs in 12 weeks. Other than that my pregnancy was progressive like normal. I was due January 31, 2012. I ...
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Moving

I thought moving would make things better. I thought it would take away the sadness and pain I felt and it did for a little while. Now I'm back to the why me and angry I was feeling before. I'm sick and tired of everyone getting pregnant but me. I'm tired of the stress and pressure it puts on me. Most of all I'm tired of the anger I always feel. I want peace and closer but I can't seem to find it anywhere I look. I thought I could find it in Oregon, I did for a very short time. I thought I would find it at the support group I have been going to and I haven't. I keep asking Jehovah for help and I'm not sure if I have found it. I'm so confused, sad and angry. Almost 2 years later I still hardly sleep at night. I feel like I get angrier everyday. I know I get angrier when I see young unwed girl post their pregnant on Facebook or when I see it on tv. I hate how acceptable it is to be a teenage mother or an unwed mother. I feel very lost.
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Write

I have been trying to get on here to write but I haven't found the time until tonight. I wanted my husband to hold me but he is sleep and I feel bad waking him up. I can't sleep. I have a hard time sleeping anymore. I'm just hoping to hear a Seamus crying for me in the next room but I know I'll never hear it. I'll never wake up hearing him cry. It feels so horrible knowing that. I hate living this way, without him. I sit here tonight in the dark alone crying. Everyday just sucks no matter how good you try to make it. I wish that I had someone that understood what I am going through and could tell me,'things are going to be okay and your going to have 4 more perfect babies and don't worry you'll pregnant soon and happy again.' Right now it feels like I'll never be happy and to get pregnant again feels impossible.I thought that I might be pregnant but then today I was sure I was not. I feel like I'm being punished.From what I don't have a c...
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