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Change After

So somethings have changed like the title of my blog for one. There have been so many changes in the last 3 years or even in the last year let's say. Where am I at right now in my life? Well, I work at a place I love even though things are crazy sometimes and I freak out a lot but I think that's because I'm am OCD control freak. Yeah I said it!  I still try to hide my OCD tenancies but they are there. Work is the one place I can control the outcome of most things not always but mostly. I work with some great people. There are a handful in particular that I really like and see them more as friends. Hopefully the feeling is mutual. Lol. You never know! Its hard that one of them is pregnant and everyone is awwwing all over but I'm trying. I'm trying to be happy for her. I'm trying not to lose it when they talk about her  'cute belly'. I really am TRYING! But I have been on a mean streak lately. My mouth has said somethings it can't take back and it will...
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Giving up

Lately I just feel like giving up. I'm so stressed about bill, money, work, spending time with Mike and looking for another job. I just don't wanna do it anymore. I have been hoping to get pregnant again too and it's just not working. I don't feel like anything is working lately. I tried to fix it everything but I can't. I feel very alone and I talk to Jehovah and I hope that he is listening. Things have been better since we moved but they are still hard. I can't stand all the pregnancy around me. It hurts and it feels so unfair. I try not to think about it but I can't stop. Its all that I want. My life is still so incomplete and empty. Everyone keeps saying it will happen, don't worry it's gonna happen. But when? I have been waiting over a year. They weight of life is crushing me and I feel so alone. I'm so tired and burnt out. I'm worn down and out. I need something to show that's it's all gonna work out soon. I continue to be crush...
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On my mind

I try to sleep but your on my mind. I try to work but your on my mind. I try to go out but your on my mind. Everything that I do your right there with me, in my mind. I always think of you no matter what I do baby boy. When I see that baby at the grocery store I wonder what you would look like. Would you look more like daddy or like me. When I hear children laughing I wonder what you would sound like. When I hear children talking I wonder what you would say. What would have been your first word? There are so many questions I have and so much I think about when it comes to you. I wonder all the time what life would be like with you here and not there. I think about you not just everyday, but multiple times in the day. Know that I am always missing you, no matter what changes in life your always thought about and missed. I love you Seamus.
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