The After Life

Why do you always run back to me, if you don't want to be with me.. Love hurts and is painful.. my heart can be breaking and yet I'll continue to hurt it by be around him.  Why do get all guilty after the deed is done.. the next day I can tell you reget it or maybe you regret it being with me.. I don't understand you.. I think your playing me but I can't tell. Please let my heart be done.. I want to let him go so I can walk away.. 💔

My heart is broken.. and it aches. However this time it's not what it usually is aching about it's about a boy. I think it's fair to call him a boy since that is the way he acts. I know he'll never read this that's probably why it's safe just put it here.. I'm so hurt and I'm so angry because he shut me out when I was ready to tell him that I love him. And blindsided and disrespect me I just won't put up with that. I'm a good partner and we had so many good times together. We also shared a lot of hard times and he seen me had some really bad times. But he also caused some of those really bad times... This time I hope that's it's the last time that I will let him break my heart. But I also hope to not have to take this regret, of never getting to tell him. It's too bad he doesn't want to talk to me or listen to me because of her and I have to learn how to be okay with that. However I needed the rejection needed him to reject me and...

So today I went to my first new counselor appointment. It went well...they always tell me I have things so together, yet I feel as though I am falling apart. There are so many days the person inside me is screaming for help but, of course no one call hear me screaming. They just look at me blankly as they pass by. I told my counselor Deanna about my idea to get a camera. I think I will get one this weekend. It's time to stop letting my dreams die but instead embrace them. Maybe I can create some beautiful memories that will help me heal.

Here am I. I don't know if I have any readers but, that's okay... Tonight, I realized something I enjoy. When my son Seamus was in the hospital dying, our social worker gave us they name of this organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. This organization does free photo session with you, your family and your dying child or in my case baby. The photographers come too the hospital, which is amazing. They are able to capture the memories of you loved one. I will always cherish the gift that wonderful gentleman captured. I think I want to do this also. I want to honor my son by helping these parents capture this small moment. I have always loved pictures..I just ever really show them. I guess I'm embarrassed, maybe even self-conscious. Instead of continuing to dream, I think I am going to start doing. Stay tuned...

I currently feel very depressed without reason.. Yes it is that time of year again..but really I am not ready to feel like this. Tired and sad is all I feel even when I have so much to be happy about. Yet...I can barely get out of bed. Everyday I sleep as much as the day will let me and then I paint my smile on and go to work. No one understands that inside I feel as though I am dying.... The pain is so much to bare, I feel as though a constant suffering is always upon me. Holding me down during the day. I have an appointment with a new counselor on Thursday, I hope that she can help me figure this out. It's becoming too much. I need out from under this before it crushes me. I really don't know how I pull myself up everyday. I realize something is wrong with me...I'm just not sure what that is... I try so hard to be happy but it's just not there.

I'm not sure where I'm at in life currently. I know at work I'm back to where I began... running the store alone. But that isn't the only place I feel alone. I have many friends and people around me all the time, something is still missing though. Not sure how I can learn I'm okay alone without driving myself insane. Of course there is always a guy that makes me question things. The more time I spend with him...the more I fall for him. It's hard for me not to obsess and make myself crazy. I reach the point where I'm afraid that I'll say or do something to screw it up. I'm struggling with myself. Confused...sad... infatuated...hurt...

I have yet to find that true love I thought I found. I realized that all of this is a life lesson for me in some way or another. I now realize how I am valuable to life...I also realize how confusing this all is. That guy i wanted to be with before finally came forward with his feelings..which I thought would feel amazing, but his timing is oh so wrong. Yes he has feelings for me but what are those exactly? I'm curious to know...but I can't ask him.  So I guess I must wonder. He has no game...but he is a good guy. However we are just friends because I am currently in a relationship, which I thought I was happy in but now it's not feeling that way. Maturity is important to be being that I act like an adult. I don't feel like him and I are on the same page..we don't have the same goals in life I feel. I'm confused but I feel like  I know what I need to do... sadly. I just want to make sure I'm not basing this off of what mister late bloomer has told me... Mo...

He was my son...my little boy. I carried him for 9 months..so no damn person is allowed to tell my how I can feel. No one is allowed to tell me how long I can be sad. No one is allowed to tell me how long too grieve him. No one is allowed to tell me when I can grieve him. I made him..he was the love of my life and I will take as long as I want, need or damn will please to be sad for him. You don't get to tell me or any other mom who has had to say goodbye to their child how long they can feel this sadness and grieve.. because we have lost out on an entire life...so we can grieve them for our lifetime...

Still to this moment in time, I can think your gone and feel so far....then out of nowhere a memory is tiggered. It knocks the wind out of me and brings me to my knees. It makes me realize that your memory is still here because of the pain I feel inside that only I still feel. I suffer in silence cause they can't understand what it's like to feel this. I'm sick to my stomach and can't sleep. I miss you so much my sweet boy, my pain may subside for a short time but it's always there reminding me that you were real.... I love you Seamus... forever and ever... until my last breath... Love mommy 💚💙

Happiness, how do we find it in this mess of a world we live in?  I spend so much time looking for my happiness...at this point I wonder if it is even possible to find for me. I am so unhappy and have been for quite a long time. The little bit of it that I find here and there are not enough to say that I am happy. This is because the little bit I find when I'm with this person are out weighted by all the over thinking and questioning I do when I'm alone.... I remember like every small detail of the people around me and yet I feel no one person tries to do the same about me. Like no one truly tries to know me. I feel as though the past is going to try to repeat it's self and I'm not sure how to stop it. Maybe it all comes down to the statement he made...I don't know if we are meant to be together...maybe he is right. Maybe I am just trying to fool myself into thinking he is the one, when he is not. The big problem at this point is this point is, that I love ...

Yes...organized chaos is exactly it! That's how I feel. My brain will not shut off...I'm screaming under my breath. Over analyzing everything in my mind. I just want to shove these things back right now. You a clouding my mind and my judgement...I love every moment with you but you are giving mixed signals and ideas. I cannot read you, which is why I'm confused and conflicted with what I need to do. Stop this madness...please!

Love...... I really thought I was unlovable.... Like never would anyone be able to love someone who is a mess like me... Like why would anyone choose to love me again..... .................................... .........Then I met him...... He was cute.... Then he was different........... Made me feel...very different from the last.... Maybe he loved me first.....who knows..maybe...maybe not... He was immature... He was sweet.... Made me feel good...really good..... Then December came.... December 29th to be exact... For some reason he was still around on the 30th of January..... Still...wow..is right....... But then...not just once...but twice..I said no.... Things were complicated...like really... Things changed...when I though they would stay the same... Rough times...sad times...sleepless times... Missing him...wondering does he miss me... Sadness...hurt... I realized what he brought into my life... I realized I wanted him...his immatu...

Today...was very overwhelming. I feel like I'm in over my head in life. I don't currently feel the confidence I once had. I feel like I'm about to burn bridges I may need. I have so much on my mind right now and no one to share my thoughts with. I feel kinda lost currently, in need of direction. I know I have come so far from that weak person I once was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of my old life...but where do I go from here? What do I want to do in my life? I really can't answer that right now. My head is cloud with all the things I think I should do and the things I need to do. Hopefully soon I can reach a point of just relaxing and enjoying my life as it progresses...

I have struggled to know what my self worth is my whole life. I still do...so many time I wonder if I am even worthy of certain things...or certain people. Like am I even worthy for some to love me again like truly love me...every part of me. Am I pretty enough or fit enough for this person that I want to be with? Eight months ago I would have said no. I realize now that, that one person wasn't worthy enough of me....but in learning and figuring this out I shoved off the person that was trying to show me that I have self worth. I never expected this person to show me so much about myself...or show me all the things that my last relationship lacked. I was so focused on the wrong things and wrong people that I also let him slip away. That week of silence without him, was deafening. I missed him whole heartedly and felt so broken and lost. I realized during this week that I truly wanted to be with him. That I had strong feelings that I never shared with him but instead hid because ...

This mother's day felt like all the rest...empty and sad. Very few acknowledge that I am a mother which makes me sad, since they get to look at their children everyday for a daily reminder that they are a mother. I however only get to imagine what my son might look like now. I guess this is how it is....for right now.

This is day 3 of silence...and it is horrible. I feel so sad and horrendous. I miss him so much. But I can't tell him any of these things and to realize last night that this is my own fault makes it worse. It's like do I enjoy this pain and suffering?! Is that why I continue to make the wrong choices?! I must but I have constantly found myself in pain lately. Realizing that you caused your own pain this time really is shitty though. When he asked me to be with him, I truly didn't feel ready but 2 weeks later when I asked him I did...now I have nothing. Another life lesson to learn....but how many of these life lessons am I going to have to learn?! I really do miss him...his smell is one that I absolutely loved and now it's gone along with him. Fuck! Life is annoying. 

Well....I am currently losing at life. At this moment I am the saddest I have been in a long time. I miss him so much and it's only been a couple of hours. But at the same time I want to cut his throat...it's hurts, so bad. I will now change direction... I will become absolutely epic and will find a better me. This is why I'm so closed down because my heart always gets broken by some kind of loss. Goodbye...I promise you will regret it....I promise

Coming back to Idyllwild has been kinda painful...I'm a way that makes me glad I live far away. I have a good life where I live now. I have friends that love me for the first time in a long time. I love my family and miss them but I won't come back here. Idyllwild is toxic...poisonous to me witch is why I'm going to leave it in my rear view mirror soon. I love Oregon. I'm a phoenix rising from the ashes of my old life.... This is the new me...new life...just Sara This place feel so familiar but it's not home anymore...Oregon is my home 💚

Tomorrow is Seamus' 5th birthday. Wow this is painful. So as you hug your child and kiss them on the forehead, while you tell them happy birthday be grateful for not every parent gets that luxury. Happy birthday my baby boy! Forever loved and always remembered.