The After Life

It's almost Seamus birthday. I have been doing the best I can to get through this but today has sent me over the edge. Today my baby dog Rutledge got out and is missing. I went looking for him and couldn't find him. I am pray that someone is keeping him safe and warm and that I well find him tomorrow. I need him. To u it may be just a dog but to me he is my baby. I gotta find my baby. Please let me find him! I miss him cuddling under my blanket. I just wanna hug him. I need my baby dog!

This day last year I spent the in the hospital because I fell down the stairs at home and was almost 8 months pregnant. I was so scared that something would be wrong. It was the scariest day in my life or so I though at that time. Little did I know I would give birth to Seamus 10 days later but 4 weeks earlier then I should have. Then 12 days later I after he was born I would have to let him go physical forever. Those were the 12 hardest but wonderful but heartbreaking days ever. With only more to come over the year and every year. And yet I still find a way to get going. How I don't know but I do. A lot of days I want to give up but I don't. Maybe because I hope that very soon I well be a mother again to a new baby that I get to bring home this time. Seamus never leaves my heart or mind but I really want and need to have another baby soon then later. I do not want to spend another year as a lonely mother. I long for another baby to hold and kiss and love since Seamus is not he

I can't do this anymore.

Another one, another baby is coming in to this world. Not from me. Another family member will welcome a third child in May. She said her prayers were answered when they found out she was pregnant again. When well my prayers for another child be answered? When will I be happy mother again?

Four blue walls and a white door. It might not look like much to anyone else but, that room means so much to me. At first it was full of so much hope, love, and possibilities. Now it's still so full of love but, also sadness, crushed dreams, and empty hope. 'Little Boy Blue' was the name of the color we picked his room. His name was even on the door. That small room is so full of memories even though Seamus never made it home or into his room. When he didn't come I made it my sanctuary where I could cry alone. One night when I was home alone, I even read a book to Seamus' bear. I read 'I Love You Forever' to his bear. I didn't pack up his thing until March or April and even then it took me a month to finish. I didn't want to pack his things because then it truly meant it was real. That he was never come home. That he would never sleep in his crib. He would never wear his clothes. He would never play with his toys. He would never laugh or cry. He woul

I'm really mad at my best friend right now. Not only did she say something that hurt my feelings, she has been drinking again. I love her to death and I don't know how to handle this correctly. I know I need to talk to her. She is one of those people that when she gets drunk the truth comes out. That's why I am very certain that she meant what she said when she said,"I envy your life." You envy my life?! WTF?! Seriously?! How?! She has so many great things in her life. A husband that loves her and works hard to support them. Two beautiful little boys, 3 year old and 2 months. Parents that are understanding, loving, and supportive. That are also helping the buy a house but, it my life she envy's. My miserable existence that involves crying all the time, wishing and praying things could have been different, looking at pictures that remind me of someone beautiful that is no longer here, more crying and hoping for better days. Wait I forgot to mention how hard it

I feel like my life is falling apart. I thought it was sort of getting together but, I was wrong. The seams are busting open. I'm so confused and not sure how to fix it. One thing has changed our life's forever and it hasn't stopped changing things in our life. When well things be back on tract?! I don't wanna do this anymore.

Everyday when I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm trying to figure out who I am. I don't feel like myself anymore but, I don't feel like I know who I am. Life feel strange. Like I living in some stranger's life. It doesn't feel like mine. I constantly feel like I staggering around trying to find myself but, I never do. And all the while I'm doing this the world keeps turning but, without me. After 8 months of living this life why am I still finding my way? Why do I feel like a stranger? I don't know how to find my way through this foggy haze.

So I'm suppose to write 5 thing I'm grateful for everyday and focus on them throughout the day. This is suppose to help me get through my anger that I'm feeling. I am seeing a family therapist as of yesterday to work through my issues and my anger I have. I am anger and I have every right to be. My son is gone and I have to watch everyone else life's go forward when I feel like mine is moving backwards. Friends are buying houses and having more babies while I live sadly morning mine. It feels wrong. I have to go to a friends baby shower Saturday. I don't know how it will go. I'm not exactly looking forward to it.  So my 5 things: My husband, Seamus(of course), my dogs, family, and love.

For the last few days (four to be exact) I thought this was finally it! Wrong. I thought this year was actually turning around this time but I was wrong. When well it be my time again to shine and be happy. To be joyful. Who knows when that will be. I'm angry or even sad I think. I think I'm to the point anymore where I am just numb to this kind of disappointment. I am so tired of it though. Maybe I am sad. I wanna have another baby and it seems so impossible. Why can't I be like everyone else. I'm tired of suffering, of crying, and of wishing for my own baby. I have been praying for another baby. Why can't it just happen. Please God I begging you! Please end my suffering.

My pain is apparent. I try to flee from it but, it follow. It follows me every where. To work, to the store and to bed. I can't escape it. Not even for a day. I miss him. Life without him hurts. This is far from how my life was pictured. The pain fills every part of your being.

When well I stop crying everyday?! I'm so sick and tired of being sad. It sucks. I don't want to be sad anymore.

This is what I posted on facebook. On days like today and for mothers like me its easy to forget that we are mothers. Thats because we don't get hold our babies, kiss them or hug them everyday like most mothers do. We have to hold on to the memories we have of them or with them. Sadly we don't get to make new memories with them but we are still MOTHERS! They are still our babies they are just with us in a different way. They were s till loved from the start and still are very loved even now. They were so loved that we let them go peacefully so them didn't have to suffer in their imperfect bodies. No matter what we are still mommies! So happy mother's day to all mom but especially to the one like me who don't get to spend it with our babies and don't alway feel like mothers but we are! My day was made very special by a few people. So thanks to my special husband! To my sister in law Nikki. To my sister Nicole and to Holly O'Farrel. They all made this day spe

Tomorrow is mother's day and I have to spend it without my son. My first mother's day. It sucks! I pictured things so differently last year and I never thought I would spend my first mother's day alone. Even though my baby is not here I am still a mother. Even though I don't feel like it I am. A friend came into my work today and gave me a hug knowing that tomorrow will be a difficult day for me tomorrow. Wait its been a difficult week! Anyways she told you are a mother of an angel baby. Which was very sweet even though I know Seamus isn't an angel and then gave me money to buy a gift for myself for mother's day. I told her I couldn't take but she made me. What an amazing person she is! There still are good people in this world. This friend I know from work does this for me and my so called best friend can't even call me or check on me to see how I'm doing? Wow! Thank God for the people in my life like Holly(friend from work) that remind me I am stil

Today make 4 months since our precious little boy  Seamus  has left us. Some days it feels like yesterday that it happen because I remember every detail. There have been so many ups and down already and a million more to go. I don't know how I have kept going through all of it. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't cross my mind and there isn't a week that goes by that I haven't cried. Ever yday is a struggle. But I have learned what amazing family and friends I have. Also I've realized who are my true friends and that your best friend can ditch you at the worse time. Everyday I wish the outcome could have been different, it should have been different but it wasn't and I'm still trying to accept that. I am sick of people telling me that I will get over it because your wrong I well not. I will just learn to live with it. In all of this I have learn there will always be one person it my life that I never be without and that is my husband. But than

I have been trying to get on here to write but I haven't found the time until tonight. I wanted my husband to hold me but he is sleep and I feel bad waking him up. I can't sleep. I have a hard time sleeping anymore. I'm just hoping to hear a Seamus crying for me in the next room but I know I'll never hear it. I'll never wake up hearing him cry. It feels so horrible knowing that. I hate living this way, without him. I sit here tonight in the dark alone crying. Everyday just sucks no matter how good you try to make it. I wish that I had someone that understood what I am going through and could tell me,'things are going to be okay and your going to have 4 more perfect babies and don't worry you'll pregnant soon and happy again.' Right now it feels like I'll never be happy and to get pregnant again feels impossible.I thought that I might be pregnant but then today I was sure I was not. I feel like I'm being punished.From what I don't have a c

Today is my husband's 28th birthday. For me I started the morning crying because I realized Seamus will never be joining us on any birthdays. So it's been a very hard day. I  had so many great plans this year that are all crushed because I have no Seamus to do them with. Instead I look at an empty crib. I stare at new clothes with      the tags still on them and toys still in the box. My house is too quite, since there is no crying baby. Seamus sits on a shelf in a wooden box. I hate all these things. I did not picture today without Seamus. I didn't picture any day without him. My life in so empty.

My Letter to Seamus Dear Seamus, Daddy and I miss you so much everyday. We love you so much. We loved you even before you were born. We are looking forward to the day that we can meet the lady who's life you saved. We are hoping that she will want to meet us. You are always on our minds. We never stop thinking about you. I have been making a scrapbook of all the pictures we took of you while in the hospital. I wish that I could have bought you home even if it was only for the day. Their are so many people who would have love to meet you. I have to say there are some people I wish you could have met. Such as Buddy and Charlie(the dogs) John and Paddy, and to show the beautiful place where we live. I'm looking forward to the day that I see you again and hold you in my arms. I'm gonna hold you so tight and never let go of you. I'll kiss until I can't kiss you anymore. I hope that you will be able to understand that daddy and I did what we did because loved you so m

I've been back to work for a month now. It's hard to be there and pretend to be okay. Especially when I know I should be home taking care of baby Seamus. It's hard to see people having fun with their kids while I thing I will never have that with my son. I makes me sad to think of all the thing I will never do with him. I just miss him so much! I hurt ever day. I feel like I should be sad ever day too and when I'm not I feel guilty that I had a good day. I just want to see him one more time or kiss him one last time. I just feel like I didn't give him enough kiss. I hate feeling like this. I hate being sad all the time. I don't even want to be around anybody because all my friend have kids and it's so hard for me not to be sad. I love my friends but, they just don't understand what I'm going through. Plus, I have three friends that are pregnant right now. Its so frustrating. Their baby showers, I don't even know that I can go to them.  Mommy lo

It's been just over two months since Seamus passed. Everyday I miss him. There is not a day, that goes by that I don't think of him. He looked so perfect on the outside. You would have never guessed that there could be something so wrong inside his brain. No matter how much they tell me that it was nothing I did wrong, I still feel it was something I did or didn't do. The sadness and emptiness you feel  when you loss a child you can't explain. And you can't understand unless it's happened to you. A little back story on what happened. My husband and I have been hoping for a child for sometime now. So on June 12, 2011 we were surprised and overjoyed. I had kind of a ruff pregnancy since I was sick everyday. So sick that I was put on Zofan for my nausea because I kept losing weight. My pre pregnancy weight was 242. When I was 16 week I weight 214. I had lost 28 lbs in 12 weeks. Other than that my pregnancy was progressive like normal. I was due January 31, 2012. I