The After Life

I want to go back to support group but I just can't bring myself to go to the meetings. Its been almost a year I think since I have been. But I just can't sit there and share what I'm feeling. I feel like I can't relate to them. Their lives are different, they have other children or are pregnant by now. I have yet to become pregnant again and we are talking about adoption. I no longer feel a common ground. Plus I'm tired, oh so tired of sharing and feeling my sadness. I'm trying make the mask I where everyday permanent....I'm not saying that I'm gonna forget or stop thinking about Seamus. But I can't tear everything off at these meetings every month. Yes everyday I where a mask over my feeling that I hide from everyone, no I don't tell them my son is dead, no I don't tell them my heart is broken,  no I don't tell them I just want to cry when I see a pregnant belly. I use my mask to cover my real feeling because to get through each day I h

I am not whole, nor will I ever be whole. I will always have a hole in my heart, life my life where you belong. But you aren't able to be there, there for I will never be whole. That was the thought running threw my head. Tonight my hubby brought up adoption again. The first time he brought it up I shut him down but this time I actually thought about it. But could I really care for a child that isn't technically mine? Can I be selfless enough to love and care for them as if they were mine? As if I birthed them? I just don't know. Its so much to think about and to consider.