The After Life

Today is my husband's 28th birthday. For me I started the morning crying because I realized Seamus will never be joining us on any birthdays. So it's been a very hard day. I  had so many great plans this year that are all crushed because I have no Seamus to do them with. Instead I look at an empty crib. I stare at new clothes with      the tags still on them and toys still in the box. My house is too quite, since there is no crying baby. Seamus sits on a shelf in a wooden box. I hate all these things. I did not picture today without Seamus. I didn't picture any day without him. My life in so empty.

My Letter to Seamus Dear Seamus, Daddy and I miss you so much everyday. We love you so much. We loved you even before you were born. We are looking forward to the day that we can meet the lady who's life you saved. We are hoping that she will want to meet us. You are always on our minds. We never stop thinking about you. I have been making a scrapbook of all the pictures we took of you while in the hospital. I wish that I could have bought you home even if it was only for the day. Their are so many people who would have love to meet you. I have to say there are some people I wish you could have met. Such as Buddy and Charlie(the dogs) John and Paddy, and to show the beautiful place where we live. I'm looking forward to the day that I see you again and hold you in my arms. I'm gonna hold you so tight and never let go of you. I'll kiss until I can't kiss you anymore. I hope that you will be able to understand that daddy and I did what we did because loved you so m

I've been back to work for a month now. It's hard to be there and pretend to be okay. Especially when I know I should be home taking care of baby Seamus. It's hard to see people having fun with their kids while I thing I will never have that with my son. I makes me sad to think of all the thing I will never do with him. I just miss him so much! I hurt ever day. I feel like I should be sad ever day too and when I'm not I feel guilty that I had a good day. I just want to see him one more time or kiss him one last time. I just feel like I didn't give him enough kiss. I hate feeling like this. I hate being sad all the time. I don't even want to be around anybody because all my friend have kids and it's so hard for me not to be sad. I love my friends but, they just don't understand what I'm going through. Plus, I have three friends that are pregnant right now. Its so frustrating. Their baby showers, I don't even know that I can go to them.  Mommy lo

It's been just over two months since Seamus passed. Everyday I miss him. There is not a day, that goes by that I don't think of him. He looked so perfect on the outside. You would have never guessed that there could be something so wrong inside his brain. No matter how much they tell me that it was nothing I did wrong, I still feel it was something I did or didn't do. The sadness and emptiness you feel  when you loss a child you can't explain. And you can't understand unless it's happened to you. A little back story on what happened. My husband and I have been hoping for a child for sometime now. So on June 12, 2011 we were surprised and overjoyed. I had kind of a ruff pregnancy since I was sick everyday. So sick that I was put on Zofan for my nausea because I kept losing weight. My pre pregnancy weight was 242. When I was 16 week I weight 214. I had lost 28 lbs in 12 weeks. Other than that my pregnancy was progressive like normal. I was due January 31, 2012. I