The After Life

I lay in bed crying. I'm missing you little boy. Almost two. How can it be? It feels like yesterday you were coming and we were so happy and couldn't wait to meet you. Things are different now. I don't know what happiness is anymore. You took it when you left and we haven't been able to find it since.

I'm struggling. I'm holding my breath and I don't know why. I feel like I'm going crazy. Making up stupid things in my head that kept me up all night. I don't even know what it like to sleep like a normal person. Every night my mind wonders keeping me up. I don't know how to shut it off. I think it's starting to make me paranoid. I read something yesterday that said, "Don't always believe what your mind thinks." But how can I do that? There is no manual about how to keep living after your child dies or this is what to do or this is what your live looks like from now on. Things seem to be progressing in the right way what there are things that I feel are going backwards. Is December going to send me back 5 steps every year? 

Well December is here. No matter how much I have dreaded it, it still came. I'm already ready to break out the hot cheetos and Dr pepper and whatever. I'm not ready for this month. I still don't know what to do to remember Seamus. Last year the card time capsule and this time I don't really know. I really wish I could see my therapist I was see last year I could really use her. He would be 2 in 27 more days. Walking and eating, laughing and talking but there is none of that. Just silence and still no hope of another. I hoped this year would be better and in some ways it has but no matter what we still have one thing missing, a child. Seamus will always be missing and I am getting better at accepting that. I have a room full of unused baby items and I go back and fourth about selling them. I can't even look at them. How long do I tote the stuff around? Forever? I don't really know right now. I just need to make it through the month right now.

I feel so lost and alone.

I thought moving would make things better. I thought it would take away the sadness and pain I felt and it did for a little while. Now I'm back to the why me and angry I was feeling before. I'm sick and tired of everyone getting pregnant but me. I'm tired of the stress and pressure it puts on me. Most of all I'm tired of the anger I always feel. I want peace and closer but I can't seem to find it anywhere I look. I thought I could find it in Oregon, I did for a very short time. I thought I would find it at the support group I have been going to and I haven't. I keep asking Jehovah for help and I'm not sure if I have found it. I'm so confused, sad and angry. Almost 2 years later I still hardly sleep at night. I feel like I get angrier everyday. I know I get angrier when I see young unwed girl post their pregnant on Facebook or when I see it on tv. I hate how acceptable it is to be a teenage mother or an unwed mother. I feel very lost.

Mike Seamus Family My dogs Love I gonna try everyday from now on to write 5 things I'm thankful for that day. You might think that's easy, maybe for it is. I will try to look on the brighter side and just maybe I will get there. Hope the end of my pain is in sight because I still feel it everyday. Its easier to pretend to be okay then to explain why I am sad or upset. Well goodnight.

I miss you. Every second, every minute, every hour and every day I miss you. Seamus, miss you, miss you.

I try to sleep but your on my mind. I try to work but your on my mind. I try to go out but your on my mind. Everything that I do your right there with me, in my mind. I always think of you no matter what I do baby boy. When I see that baby at the grocery store I wonder what you would look like. Would you look more like daddy or like me. When I hear children laughing I wonder what you would sound like. When I hear children talking I wonder what you would say. What would have been your first word? There are so many questions I have and so much I think about when it comes to you. I wonder all the time what life would be like with you here and not there. I think about you not just everyday, but multiple times in the day. Know that I am always missing you, no matter what changes in life your always thought about and missed. I love you Seamus.

I'm confused and unsure of my life right now. I hope tonight is good and no bad. I don't know what is going on with us. Were do we go from here.

Lately I just feel like giving up. I'm so stressed about bill, money, work, spending time with Mike and looking for another job. I just don't wanna do it anymore. I have been hoping to get pregnant again too and it's just not working. I don't feel like anything is working lately. I tried to fix it everything but I can't. I feel very alone and I talk to Jehovah and I hope that he is listening. Things have been better since we moved but they are still hard. I can't stand all the pregnancy around me. It hurts and it feels so unfair. I try not to think about it but I can't stop. Its all that I want. My life is still so incomplete and empty. Everyone keeps saying it will happen, don't worry it's gonna happen. But when? I have been waiting over a year. They weight of life is crushing me and I feel so alone. I'm so tired and burnt out. I'm worn down and out. I need something to show that's it's all gonna work out soon. I continue to be crush

I finally said one on many things that I have been thinking when it comes to her. Yeah you Lauren. I have been there for you when you needed me no matter what, even thought you haven't returned the favor when I needed you. When I needed her she was tweak out on meth. While her husband took care of their son that she didn't want. Everything that is happening to you, you have put in motion. Stop blaming other people for your problems. He may have brought the drugs in but you did them, he didn't make you. You made that choice! And you kept doing even after I asked what about your kids?! Take some damn responsibility for what you have done. You and him both! I am tried of you thinking that no one knows what you are dealing with. You are not the only one in this world going this. And stop dragging your parents down with you! Your gonna give those poor people a heart attack. Woman up and fix your life! Stop taking the pussy way out and putting things on Facebook. La

I am missing Buddy quite a lot. He has finally been laid down to rest peacefully. He not longer suffers, nor hurts. I miss everything about him. I hope that's Seamus is taking care of him. Hugging him tightly and whispering to him that he is loved. I have been very sad lately and I'm not sure why. Some nights I cry myself to sleep like I did after Seamus passed. I have been wishing that we would have given him long even though it would have made a difference. I keep wishing that I would have held him more and that would have kissed him more. I wish that I would have taken more picture of him, especially with the family. We have none of Seamus with any family members. No matter what road I try to take ur leads back to Seamus. I can't escape the pain and sadness I feel since I lost him. And every month when I discover that I am not pregnant it's like losing another baby. I feel as though the hope is lost. I want to hope but I always feel disappointment. How can I get pass

Dear Seamus, Oh how I wish you could be here to be with your daddy and I on this special day. For I was you who made us parents. Your missed everyday and loved every moment. How I long to hear your laugh one day. So much has changed for daddy and I in the last few months. I hope our love and new found happiness brings you a brother or a sister that we can bring home. So that all the hugs and kisses you miss we can share with them. I hope god blesses daddy and I with another child soon because I am ready. I am truly ready. Please take care of Buddy dog for soon he well be joining you baby boy. He love hot cheetios and any kind of food really. Hug him and kiss him and let him know that we miss him too. Tell him we love him and baby, don't ever let him go. He is the best dog. You well finally get to meet him. Because I know he has been waiting to meet you. Mommy loves you Seamus, more then any words can ever express. I wish that things could have been different but this is what it is

5 things I'm thankful for: Definitely My husband My family like my sister who always sticks by me My dogs who always find a way to make me laugh Chocolate that pretty much always can make me feel better Seamus who taught me no matter how small you can make a difference

We all make choices everyday. Like what I am gonna wear or do I eat breakfast? But those are not choices that define us or our life's. Everyday I make a choices to get up go to work even if I don't want to. What choices define us? If I choose to keep my mouth shut when I see injustice is it fair? Or is it right to look the other way when you see two parents doing drugs with children in the house because you don't wanna get involved? Or is it okay to let someone turn you in to a slave because they write your paycheck ? I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I see so much injustice everywhere that I can't take it anymore. I hate when people they are good parents but you know they aren't. Are they just trying to convince themself they are by saying it out loud? I'm sick of lies, I'm sick of being used and then made into the bad guy. I'm sick of being told how to run my store and I'm sick of these stupid ass people accusations of being sexua

Today I wondered if it wasn't my son who passed and it was my friend's  would I be able to sympathize with them? I honestly can answer that because I really do not know.