The After Life

There is one hour left in this book 2015. Page 364, I decided to call it. This is has been both good and bad of course as every year has. Some highlights are; my job of course where I am now the assistant store manager, I made the best trustworthy friend that brings no judgment and that makes me smile, I have learned some lessons, made new friends and I have made it through one more year.... I'm ready to close this book and start a new one, that can start with making myself happy! I want to be happy no matter what that means. I don't want to cry by myself anymore,  hide my real self or my feelings. I want to be the real me that I hide, even if no one likes that person! Goodbye 2015 and thanks for the good times but hello 2016! Help me find happiness, peace and my sparkle!

I definitely feel like this is where I am at right now. I'm trying to make decisions on temporary things that will permanently change things. I'm starting to wondering if I trying to use it as a way out instead of confronting the real issues. I hate when I feel this confused.

I'm really starting to wonder if this could be the truth...

Everyday I work on everyone else's problems before my own. I spend so much time worrying about things that are not my problem. I make other people's problems mine. I always work harder on one person's in particular life more then mine. I ignore my own issue just to makes their life easier. And I just can't do it anymore! It's not love. I uses to be so depend on other people but now I just want to depend on myself. I'm tired of being sad and feeling alone. I need to work on my life and not everyone else's!

In 1 hour December is officially here. The crushing sadness and emptiness has already arrived. I miss him. I miss that little boy I held in my arms for the first on December 30 2011, the day after he was born. I miss each emotional day I spent with him. I miss the little hands and feet. I miss everything! My soul is crushed. My heart is rebreaking, just like it does every year at this time.  The pieces just start to come together but them December comes again. I feel like I am being shut out by him. He doesn't tell me how he feel. I worry about him. I try not to annoy him with questions and just try to let him be but it's hurts me if I think he is unhappy. I don't know what to do. I try to brush all of these things off but I can't. I love them both too much!

I so much miss the person! But there are so many memories that I also miss. I miss every memory.

Being alone has gotten easier, but regardless I still am ready to go home. I'm trying to live in the moment...only I don't know how too. I'm always living for 5 steps ahead! I miss my family and my friends! And my store!  Home is just so appealing, especially right now..

The loneliness is settling and unsettling all at the same time! I find myself thinking too much when I'm alone. When I lay down to sleep my mind goes every direction! I can't find a way to make it stop. The emptiness is loud. It screams for me and I always answer. I don't what I can do to make it go away. I try filling in with other things but nothing fills the space....Its deeper then I could have ever imagined! It owns me in every possible way. There is only one way to numb the emptiness...  It's only been a few days and the numbing factor already owns me! It has become a need, not just a want anymore. I happily welcome it, knowing that light, warm, careless feeling is soon to come. It feels like a drug that I have to have. The light and carefree feeling is what owns me now! I don't want to care. Because I care too much! I care about things that I can't even change. Discovering this numbing effect is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. But t

I find myself in this situation a lot! Everytime people ask if I have any children, I'm not sure what to tell them. Sometimes I'm honest and tell them the truth, but then they get quite not sure what to say next with this look of pity. Other times I just lie and say no but then I feel so guilty. Like I just dismissed the fact that I do have a child. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. Then there are times when I don't say enough. When people ask me things like how are things on bad days, I never tell them what I really feel. There so many times I don't say enough because I don't think they can handle my answer or maybe it just cause I don't think it really matters.

I never sleep good when I'm away from home. So I was told to make my mind blank and black, focus on that. I have been trying for an hour now and I can't. I keep telling myself to focus but then my mind gets distracted. I am only able to focus on everything that I'm trying not too! I wish I could just let it all melt away! I know I'm broken, I just wish I knew what it was that needed to be fixed.....

Well....now it's October and I love this time of year! I love fall, the leaves changing and the cold setting in. However the year is also coming to an end. The end of a year can bring such happiness for many people and bring families together for the holidays but for me it brings heartache. Therefore all of the things I used to love about this time of year are now forever stained with sadness, pain and of course.....heartache. I try to bury it, at least while I'm out or with other people. But then there are times and some people that when your with them, they make you forget how broken you are. I still have those days though where you feel like I need to run that silver razor down my wrist  but I don't. I think maybe it will make it hurt just a little less if something else hurt. But it's a different kind of hurt. I never tell anyone how much I really hurt because they just can't understand my pain. The one person I want to tell I can't anymore. He does underst

This would be ne on a nut shell!

I could really use a few of these people right now!

I just wish I could be a normal person! Someone that could control their feelings normally. Uhhhggg! I have been feeling really down lately and I just cant understand why?! It really is frustrating! Even today the person I thought could bring me out of this funk, couldnt. We laughed and had fun but the minute I left I was right back in my lonely sad place by myself. Four years... it really wears on you. Everyone thinks by now you have moved on or gotten over it but I haven't. How could I ever....

I can already feel the crushing feeling of December coming and it's only mid September! I can feel the sadness, the overwhelming feelings, the regrets, crushed hopes and dreams and so much more. This year he would have been 4. How can it be 4 years? Time pass so slow and quickly all at the same time. I feel so alone in my sadness. It seen so early to be feeling this way. Plus I just got promoted at work so, I shouldn't feel thus way but yet all I can think is how much I miss him! His tiny hands, his blue eyes and how he smelled, like cake frosting.  I see my friend with her baby and it makes me think of all the things I missed out on with mine, that I will never get to do! I can't even hold her baby! I just don't want to. I really just need a day to hang with my friend who can make me laugh when I don't even want to. Hopefully next week I will get to do that. Until I will just have to grin and bear it. Which must be my favorite cause I'm always doing it!

http://www.peekabooicu.net/2015/03/a-glimpse-into-the-life-and-love-of-neonatal-nursing/ This is a job I could never do! I spent 12 days in the NICU with Seamus and I can relate to these as a parent. But I just can't imagine were these amazing nurses find their strength to do this job. It takes a special person! 

I can be laying right next to him and still feel so alone. I feel really alone. I feel so empty. I want to be whole again and I just don't know how. I wonder if anyone else know how I feel or am I alone in that also!

So today was was a big deal for me. Today I finally had my interview for assistant store manager. I have been waiting a year for this chance! I wouldn't say I have been stressed about it, more just nervous. I think it went okay but there is always the chance that someone they interviewed will be better then me. I can only hope that my work efforts have spoken for themselves! Part of me feels excited, but part of me doesn't want to let myself take it that far just yet! I don't want to let myself get disappointed if I don't get it. I think I'm to the point that I can just accepted their decision whatever it may be and just move on from that moment. I have wasted to much time stressing over it in the past. I really did the best I could to sell myself to them. I feel confident that I have done everything within my power to get it! I have to say how much love I felt getting  text from my favorite people, telling me good luck and that I got this! It helped me to be con

Well August was truly a hard month to live through. All of the changes truly impacted my mood, but mostly it was the one that happened on the last day of the month. I guess we can start with the last bit of July. My so called 'hero' told me he was leaving. This would be strike 1! Then there we found out they decided to bring a new manager in to my work to replace him instead of promoting the one there. And that was when my dreams of being promoted went in the shitter! This we can say is strike 2! But the third strike that truly broke me, like truly was my favorite person quitting. And we have arrived at strike 3! This really broke me,far more then he knows. I kept hearing, it's only a job Sara! No one actually realizes how much my job means to me though. At work I feel is the one place I can just shine. I know what to do and I know what needs to be done. But what it come down to is that this person made it more fun to my job. Then we became friend and had our own inside jo

Well here we are again! Things were looking so bright just one short month ago and now...I just don't know. I get so frustrated with changes. I get so used to the way things are when they change and I have no control over I don't like it. Of course this is all about work. A new manager comes tomorrow but I haven't even gotten over the other one leaving! But wait it gets better my P.I.C.(partner in crime) quits today! Ahhhh...when can we catch a break?! I understand completely and I will support him because he is my friend, but this all just blows! Super bummed doesn't begin to describe how I feel. But I am still trying to be positive about meeting my new boss tomorrow  but it's tough!  Hopefully eatting my weight in bacon and pancakes with Rachel in the morning with ease my bummed outness! That is not even a word! Only 1 hour and 15 minutes until the next day starts! Ahhhhhh.....why?!

People forget that we just don't mourn our child when they die but the aspect of what their life should have been. We mourn that missing person...that emptiness...that no one or anything else can fill...

Well...I am super pissed at...MYSELF! Let's say someone from work was asking a question about something that was none of their business and I fell right into the trap! They were fishing for something they thought they knew and I took the bait. Then they proceed to lie about how they already knew! I am so angry at myself for not seeing that coming! How can I ever trust people like that!? I can't! They said their not gonna tell anyone because it's not their business but I still don't believe them. I guess I'm always waiting for someone to stab me in the back because it's happened so many times. Why didn't they just straight up ask me instead of fishing for the anwser?! I am you so upset about it and of course I am being told that I am over reacting. I just like for people to have things over my head. I don't want them to have something to hold/use against me. Yes, I understand how that sounds...like the whole world I'd against me! But maybe it is?! Ma

I would love to be able to do this! Please tell me how?!

Sometimes I feel like the world around is crumbling and Im standing in the middle of it. The pieces are suspended in the air around. I see them but they are too far to reach for them. I'm trying to grab them, while standing on this small piece of ground under my feet. It all feels impossible , to do without falling. I think that just maybe it's a dream I'm stuck in and any minute I'm gonna wake up, but the sound of the alarm never comes. No this is my life... Right now I'm so overwhelmed with so many feeling and memory that were brought up at today's session. I really hate going. All it does is stir up all the things I try to keep bury and things I don't want to feel. There are so many times I wonder if there is someone else who feels exactly how I feel or is going through the same things. I'm not saying my life is bad, I'm saying it's overwhelming. Some day I just wonder what would happen if I just decided not to get out of bed. I feel overwhel

I'm sorry but no just no!

This makes me smile  because I actually know a few people that I feel this way about!

This is really perfect for me right now! I need to try and remember this everyday currently!

For the past few days I have felt very anxious and frustrated. The lack of sleep makes it worse but I know why. Its so hard to say goodbye. Even though plenty of people will come and go, it is still always hard to tell them goodbye especially when it's forever. I really hate forever goodbyes. Life changes so much and so quickly sometimes. Change is so hard for me to embrace. I just don't like it but maybe I will like it this time. I feel so close to my goal but I'm not able to reach it just yet. I hate being this close to something I really want but can't have yet! I guess the key word would be yet. I don't like waiting! Which is why is so hard to make plans for the future. I want to know now but I must wait. I have been focus on this goal for a year now and it's all I think about and I feel so close. Closer then I was a year ago, closer then I was 6 months ago and closer then I was a week ago! Then there is that chance that it won't work out and I'm b

This quote makes me so angry!  Really?! I absolutely hate hearing this, reading this or anything else. Don't tell me that I strong enough to live this because you have no idea about the battle that rages inside of me because for some reason or another I was given this life. Just because you think or see that I am strong you can't imagine what it takes for me to pretend that I am or to be strong! Worst quote ever!

Scars don't go away but the fade with time.  Their are forever there to remind you of what happen or what didn't.

Sometimes I just need someone to hug me and say that everything is gonna be okay. Sometimes I just want someone to actually listen to my problems and not just act like they are listening. Sometimes I just want to feel heard. Sometimes I just want to listen. Sometimes I just want to feel appreciated. Most of all I just want to find someone who truly will like for who I really am and not the person everyone thinks that I am or wants me to be.

I have been wondering lately if it's my own fault I am where I am at. I know I keep the pain around to some extent. I do it because I'm afraid I will forget. I'm starting to think I could be my own problem, my own worst enemy. I really am trying to break this wall I'm stuck behide. I'm just not sure how.

I feel so sad right now and I have no idea why. It's super frustrating! I am crying alone. Days like this suck. I have no reason to be upset or feel sad but I do. There is something wrong with.

Tonight I went to see a movie with my friend.  The movie was adorable but there was a part when the 11 year old girl was depressed. It made me sad to see a child deal with that. Maybe because I can relate so well to all the feeling she was having and know how bad the feel. Lately I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking. I got into a argument with my husband because he doesn't understand why I'm still so sad. He said he doesn't know how to be there for me and I need to tell him how. If he feels this way how does he think I feel?! I have to struggle internally with this everyday!  Its not like I want to be sad. He keeps posting I guess you could say motivation things on my Facebook wall. I think what made me them most mad was he was trying to say that I need to go back to talking to a therapist but instead of just saying that he danced around it. Just say it! Don't fucking act like we need to go to therapy together when I'm the one that needs to go. I really tr

So true.

Today I read something that went like this.....grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith, it's the price of love. Why is the price of love such a heavy burden? And why must I continue to bare it?

When I read my old post, I can still feel my heart breaking and my eyes tearing up. I finally went to group last week after about a year. There were many new face which made my heart break. One of them being a friend. It was hard to get myself to go but I did. After 3 years it still makes me cry to share my story. Its still so painful. But I ripped open my heart and share just a little. Then I went home and stitch my wound back up and went back to hiding. I don't know if it helped to go back but I did get there which was big.  I had more to share but I don't remember now. Gotta work tomorrow, at least it's with one of my favorite people. Gonna try to make it good.

Why can't people think when they ask someone to do something how it will make them feel? And why must they keep pestering about when you don't want to do it? Arrr! Its so frustrating. I have so much on my mind right now. The big problem is  can't fix the one thing  I want to because I'm not supposed to know about it. But maybe I don't really know. My brain is scattered!  I don't like the whispers after I walk by. Even if their not about me. Peoples attitudes and bad moods. Just know if I could stand up for you I would how great you are at what you do. Please know alway got your back! I wish I could just say that but I can't. I'm pulling my hair out about this one! What makes me made is they don't understand why. I don't have to explain because it's none of your business. This people is a great person and does not deserve to get thrown under the bus. Thats just one problem. Money and bill those are my regular normal problems. Moving out of

I have been reading over my old post a lot lately. I guess I'm trying to see how far I have come from 3 years ago when Seamus died. Plus I have looking over my life from 10 years ago when I married my love. I think about when I was 13 living with my parents and all I experienced as a child. Even at 26 I fear the things that happened. Life scares me so much. I hate the unknown.  I want predictable. It scares me when things get out of control. Like alc ohol it makes things get out of control. I have seen it too many times to count. I never test my limits when I drink because I am afraid. I'm afraid of being out of control. I'm afraid of what I would say or do. I'm afraid of myself.  I don't trust myself to be intoxicated. I don't want to be like any of the many people that I have seen that way. People give me crap for never being that way. Like it there personal  challenge to get me drunk. Usually it's funny but sometimes I get really annoyed. I just wish

I lay trying to sleep after a busy and stressful day. When I lay down is when all of my thoughts flood in of all the thing I should have done or of what tomorrow will bring. Of course you always wonder into my head but the truth is you never leave..... Life is so strange and so frustrating. I make myself crazy thinking about what should have been instead of what is. My life is in a constant stage of grief that I can seem you leave. I love you too much to let you go..... I can't let you go! The pain that I feel reminds me that you were real and not just a dream. I miss you with every part of my being. I never knew you could love someone this much. Physically I'm fine but inside I'm a mess and no one knows. They see me act like 'normal' but have no idea how much pain I'm in. And yet tomorrow is another day....