The After Life

I lay in bed crying. I'm missing you little boy. Almost two. How can it be? It feels like yesterday you were coming and we were so happy and couldn't wait to meet you. Things are different now. I don't know what happiness is anymore. You took it when you left and we haven't been able to find it since.

I'm struggling. I'm holding my breath and I don't know why. I feel like I'm going crazy. Making up stupid things in my head that kept me up all night. I don't even know what it like to sleep like a normal person. Every night my mind wonders keeping me up. I don't know how to shut it off. I think it's starting to make me paranoid. I read something yesterday that said, "Don't always believe what your mind thinks." But how can I do that? There is no manual about how to keep living after your child dies or this is what to do or this is what your live looks like from now on. Things seem to be progressing in the right way what there are things that I feel are going backwards. Is December going to send me back 5 steps every year? 

Well December is here. No matter how much I have dreaded it, it still came. I'm already ready to break out the hot cheetos and Dr pepper and whatever. I'm not ready for this month. I still don't know what to do to remember Seamus. Last year the card time capsule and this time I don't really know. I really wish I could see my therapist I was see last year I could really use her. He would be 2 in 27 more days. Walking and eating, laughing and talking but there is none of that. Just silence and still no hope of another. I hoped this year would be better and in some ways it has but no matter what we still have one thing missing, a child. Seamus will always be missing and I am getting better at accepting that. I have a room full of unused baby items and I go back and fourth about selling them. I can't even look at them. How long do I tote the stuff around? Forever? I don't really know right now. I just need to make it through the month right now.