The After Life

I have been reading over my old post a lot lately. I guess I'm trying to see how far I have come from 3 years ago when Seamus died. Plus I have looking over my life from 10 years ago when I married my love. I think about when I was 13 living with my parents and all I experienced as a child. Even at 26 I fear the things that happened. Life scares me so much. I hate the unknown.  I want predictable. It scares me when things get out of control. Like alc ohol it makes things get out of control. I have seen it too many times to count. I never test my limits when I drink because I am afraid. I'm afraid of being out of control. I'm afraid of what I would say or do. I'm afraid of myself.  I don't trust myself to be intoxicated. I don't want to be like any of the many people that I have seen that way. People give me crap for never being that way. Like it there personal  challenge to get me drunk. Usually it's funny but sometimes I get really annoyed. I just wish

I lay trying to sleep after a busy and stressful day. When I lay down is when all of my thoughts flood in of all the thing I should have done or of what tomorrow will bring. Of course you always wonder into my head but the truth is you never leave..... Life is so strange and so frustrating. I make myself crazy thinking about what should have been instead of what is. My life is in a constant stage of grief that I can seem you leave. I love you too much to let you go..... I can't let you go! The pain that I feel reminds me that you were real and not just a dream. I miss you with every part of my being. I never knew you could love someone this much. Physically I'm fine but inside I'm a mess and no one knows. They see me act like 'normal' but have no idea how much pain I'm in. And yet tomorrow is another day....

Here we are year number 3. I get a card but it's not from the person I want it to be from. I get happy mother's day wishes from the people that don't forget I'm still a mom and yet I still don't feel like one. I cry by myself cause I'm embarrassed. I was very surprised by one person that wished me a happy mother's day. It was just the sweetest thing. Rachel if you ever read this you have no idea how much that warmed my heart when I seen that message from you this morning. I am lucky to have a friend as sweet as you ♡! It was still a sad and depressing day. I woke up only to cry in bed on the phone with my sister. I cried in the car on the way to the store. I want to be with one person that can't be here. I told my husband I wanted nothing and that  didn't want to do anything. I am glad that he respected my wishes. It didn't feel like a day to celebrate. Celebrate what disappointment? No thanks. I'm tired of that. Nothing feel right. Seamus,

http://www.kendrabroekhuis.com/blog/to-those-waiting-and-to-those-mourning-on-mothers-day

Well here it comes again....Mother's Day. I am actually starting to hate it. Three years now and this year is definitely not a charm. I really don't want to do anything or really want anything. I don't feel like a mother so I would rather skip this fucking holiday. I was think of doing or getting something nice for someone else. I am afraid  that if I get her something that I won't see her. I am so frustrated.