The After Life

Tomorrow is Seamus' 5th birthday. Wow this is painful. So as you hug your child and kiss them on the forehead, while you tell them happy birthday be grateful for not every parent gets that luxury. Happy birthday my baby boy! Forever loved and always remembered.

Well it's almost here again....the dreaded Mother's Day. As husbands and children prepared to celebrate their mothers, I prepare for a day of misery. Celebrating just makes me feel sad and depressed about everything I'm missing. So I might as well embrace the misery and welcome it rather than fighting it off. Some will remember that I am still a mother and others will forget which I should be used to by now but I'm not. So to everyone that remembers thank you and to everyone who forgets fuck you!

It's hard not to confuse the two!

This is so powerful...

I feel so much guilt right now but no remorse. I don't know where to go from here.....

I hope to find my strengths when this journey ends...

I hope to be here someday, where I don't give a fuck about what others think about me.

I am so angry right now! I spend my day at work, then went to the gym and wait there's more, made dinner, went and picked up dinner when I burnt the first dinner, then cleaned up the kitchen. I also folded my clothes. But yet he was home all day and did nothing! He washed his own laundry and turned on the BBQ! Yet never offer to help with anything or do any chores today! I am so tired of this shit. I can't/don't  want to do this anymore.

For most of my life I have always felt like something was missing. Like everyday I wake up I feel like I am not whole. I have always tried to fill that hole with the things I thought I was supposed to like family, friends and work. But maybe all this time something has been missing because I have never tried to be my real self. The person I really am. I think I have been lying to myself for a long time about who I really am. Like if I pretended to be the person everyone around thought I was/should be for long enough that I would be. In turn I think I have made myself miserable trying to be that person.  I guess I never really knew who I even was until recently. I still finding out. I hope that this is what I am supposed to be. At this point only time will tell....

I have been struggling lately with telling his that I'm not ready for another baby. Last night I finally told him...he was not happy at all. I can't blame him for that, but he could at least tried to talk to me about it and try to understand what I'm feeling and what led me to this decision. But no he didn't. He even said he wasn't mad, even though I knew he was. All he said is that he was disappointed.... That's really all I could get out of him. I'm so annoyed! This is a big decision and I feel like he does even care anymore. I'm starting not to care anymore. Especially if that is as much communication I'm going to get from him on something that's important. Whatever, I am so over this shit!

You don't get to decide whether I'm hurt or not. Thats up to me.

Fear noun an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. Right now I fear staying in this situation and leaving it. What if no one ever loves me again? But is sacrificing my happiness love? Love isn't unconditional! Will things actually change or is it just going to be another phase? I feel so alone even when I'm not. Can I be alone? What do I even do?! I'm so confused!