The After Life

I try to sleep but your on my mind. I try to work but your on my mind. I try to go out but your on my mind. Everything that I do your right there with me, in my mind. I always think of you no matter what I do baby boy. When I see that baby at the grocery store I wonder what you would look like. Would you look more like daddy or like me. When I hear children laughing I wonder what you would sound like. When I hear children talking I wonder what you would say. What would have been your first word? There are so many questions I have and so much I think about when it comes to you. I wonder all the time what life would be like with you here and not there. I think about you not just everyday, but multiple times in the day. Know that I am always missing you, no matter what changes in life your always thought about and missed. I love you Seamus.

I'm confused and unsure of my life right now. I hope tonight is good and no bad. I don't know what is going on with us. Were do we go from here.

Lately I just feel like giving up. I'm so stressed about bill, money, work, spending time with Mike and looking for another job. I just don't wanna do it anymore. I have been hoping to get pregnant again too and it's just not working. I don't feel like anything is working lately. I tried to fix it everything but I can't. I feel very alone and I talk to Jehovah and I hope that he is listening. Things have been better since we moved but they are still hard. I can't stand all the pregnancy around me. It hurts and it feels so unfair. I try not to think about it but I can't stop. Its all that I want. My life is still so incomplete and empty. Everyone keeps saying it will happen, don't worry it's gonna happen. But when? I have been waiting over a year. They weight of life is crushing me and I feel so alone. I'm so tired and burnt out. I'm worn down and out. I need something to show that's it's all gonna work out soon. I continue to be crush