The After Life

Does this ache ever go away? I hurts...it hurts so bad. I need someone to turn to. Someone to understand. I really need a friend. Someone who can just be there and listen when I need them. I'm starting to lose hope again. I don't know if I will ever find it again. I try so hard But such a huge part if me is gone. How can I  ever be whole again? Will I ever be whole again? I need something to mend this pain. I need something.

I always find a piece of you somewhere in the day. Something that makes me think of you if I haven't already. Today a coworker said," I don't know know how she was able to just come back to work after."  She was referring to someone who had, had a miscarriage recently, but you have to go back to work. You don have a choice. You still have to eat and pay bills. Life doesn't give us a choice if we want to stop living. I keep reading this quote, " you never know how strong you are until it's your only choice." Its so true. My thoughts are scattered in so many directions today. I keep thinking about our future. Mostly the future at work. Changes are in the wind and I just not sure where things well land. A door may open that would be good for us but it comes with so much. Plus I don't know if the would consider me because I don't necessarily have the experience. I think I getting ahead of myself because that door hasn't open and will have to

I still search for a reason, something to tell why it was us this happen to. I never seem to find one and I don't think I ever will. I try to understand that things just happen and there isn't a always a reason but it feels impossible to find peace in that. Everyday I think about him, everyday he crosses my mind. I still have so many "why's"  that will never be answered and every milestone that will never be crossed. I still find so much anger in my heart and so much pain in my words. I find so many pregnancy announcements in my news feed, none of which are mine. My heart is still so broken and hurt. I search for sign of him in everyday things but there is nothing. I pray for peace but I just can't seem to find it. Everyday I debate whether I should give up on my dreams or continue to weather these storms.