These days

I am missing Buddy quite a lot. He has finally been laid down to rest peacefully. He not longer suffers, nor hurts. I miss everything about him. I hope that's Seamus is taking care of him. Hugging him tightly and whispering to him that he is loved. I have been very sad lately and I'm not sure why. Some nights I cry myself to sleep like I did after Seamus passed. I have been wishing that we would have given him long even though it would have made a difference. I keep wishing that I would have held him more and that would have kissed him more. I wish that I would have taken more picture of him, especially with the family. We have none of Seamus with any family members. No matter what road I try to take ur leads back to Seamus. I can't escape the pain and sadness I feel since I lost him. And every month when I discover that I am not pregnant it's like losing another baby. I feel as though the hope is lost. I want to hope but I always feel disappointment. How can I get passed this? Will I ever? Every my friend complains about her life but everything that has happened to her is a result of her actions. I want to tell her that but I don't know how to without calling her out and pissing her off. I still care too much about what other people think of me. I can't stand to be around the girl that's pregnant at work because I am so jealous and I wish it was me. I don't know how to stop feeling that way towards her. I am suffocating with all the babies and pregnancy surrounding me. How do I get out of this?!