Jan 8

Today is the is January 8th, which means tomorrow is the 9th. I have to work today and figure how to pretend like I'm okay. I know none of these people understand or can imagine what I'm feeling inside. I know they probably look at me and think we'll she looks alright so she is probably okay. But I'm not. I think I scare myself how good I have gotten about putting on a mask everyday that hides what I am really feeling. I never say what I really want to say when people ask how I'm doing, I just simply say okay. I really want to say, I'm horrible. I'm not fine or okay. I'm having a terrible day and your crying baby is making it worse. But I can't say that cause I would lose my job and I need my job. I can't even say I'm having a bad day because then they will ask why. I just have to hide what I really feel and pretend that I'm okay. I have to put my mask on everyday. I will never be able to be my real self at work. Two years. Two very long years. Two years ago today We were visiting our little boy inside his room. They moved him in his own room cause they knew He wasn't gonna make it. We had already toured the hospice place. We were getting ready for whatever our fate was. On this night we went to islands for dinner. Just me and Mike. I prayed all night that Seamus would breath on his own so we would go to hospice. I cried so much.